Do I have a soul mate?

No mate.

The time it takes to write a joke, from conception to birth, is the jestation period.

They say life begins at 40, which explains all the crying and incontinence.

EVERYONE: what are you doing with your life

ME: [with the utmost confidence] regretting it

Calico cat sits on a tall fence post as a group of fascinated alpacas in the field stares

Cat Jesus: so that’s when I said “father, forgive them; they know not what they do”… but then, like 3 days later I was BACK— and I still have 8 more lives

Fool me once,
shame on you.
Fool me twice,
shame on me.
Fool Michael Jackson,
shamone eehee!

Fool me once,
shame on you.
Fool me twice,
shame on me.
Fool Michael Jackson,
shamone eehee!

Fool me once,
shame on you.
Fool me twice,
shame on me.
Fool Michael Jackson,
shamone eehee!

"I don't suffer fools gladly" - people who don't follow me

The International Olympic Committee has announced it will now create specific events for each individual athlete, so nobody ever has to compete against anyone faster, stronger, or better than them. Everybody wins!

there was a young man
from cork who got limericks
and haikus confused

The International Olympic Committee has announced it will now create specific events for each individual athlete, so nobody ever has to compete against anyone faster, stronger, or better than them. Everybody wins!

Top of the text box post says I’m. and the suggested words below say not going sorry.

I don’t use predictive text, but this was pretty good.

When God closes a door, he opens a window, then turns the light on and off three times. OCD can be so debilitating.

INVENTOR: i have just created the push button

MARKETING GUY: should i do a press release

INVENTOR: that’s how it works, yes

Hating someone because of their race, religion, sexual orientation or gender is stupid. If you just take the time to get to know them, you can hate their personality.

“For better or worse ,
better or worse,
better or worse”

Optician’s wedding vows

His heart had a Chuck Norris attack

😂

Chuck Norris doesn't rest in peace. Peace rests in Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't rest in peace. Peace rests in Chuck Norris.

Anglo-Irish relations. It's all fun and games until someone loses NI.

"Sure, if you didn't laugh, you'd cry" - Irish mental health policy.

Nanotechnology: my Irish grandmother on the O'Technology side.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day in Ireland? You're just as cold and fucking miserable.

People wishing everyone a "Happy" St. Patrick's Day clearly know nothing of what it means to be Irish.

Let's not forget that today is also St. Patty's Day. The American national holiday to celebrate the patron saint of burgers.

People wishing everyone a "Happy" St. Patrick's Day clearly know nothing of what it means to be Irish.

Now that Banksy has been identified, does this mean the writing's on the wall for his career?