Pete Hegseth is Build-a-Bear Genghis Khan.

Pete Hegseth is Build-a-Bear Genghis Khan.

If your conversation opener is "I hate to bother you," then you don't hate it enough.

Happy Funding This Jackass War Day.

Just to clarify, now we’re the crazy bastards blocking the fucking strait?

Our best to you, dear DG. ❤️

Ahhhhh, thank you, dear Tony!!

Six years ago today, Allen and the Allens made its debut with a cover of this tune by the marvelous Heather Styka.

There has been way too much inboxing deliverables, visualizing relevant information, and leveraging synergies for one work week. Also, what?

Ordered! Love it, Tony! (I have spoken.)

BREAKING: Trump thought the moon was getting too much attention.

[Chuck Schumer scavenging through the post-apocalyptic rubble for scraps of food] He's gone too far. Someone should do something about this

Every single member of the Republican Party should be forced to read this aloud to their families and admit that they support this with their silence.

My new outgoing phone message:

“Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. At the tone, please leave your name and number and— oh, wait. That’s you on the other line. Perfect. Hang up here, and I’ll pick up over there.”

Zero voicemails. Five stars.

When the astronauts are closest to the moon, I hope they tell it to leave our oceans and werewolves alone.

It’s always good to schedule your war crimes. Be specific!

I didn’t watch Trump’s address tonight, but I did just walk by a cat vomiting up part of a mouse on the sidewalk, so I got the gist.

I love using em dashes, and AI is ruining it for me. AI is also ruining the world. The world is also ruining itself. But, still. My em dashes.

The shift from hoping your doctor is older than you to hoping your doctor is younger than you is an actual thing.

People quickly believing that Jim Carey had an *impersonator* show up to publicly receive an award in France instead of believing that he had some cosmetic work done, was high as a kite, and/or was just in a different fucking MOOD is the reason Trump is in power.

Vote. More. Women. Into. Office.

[Morgan Freeman voiceover]: "But the Union was not strong."

You: “Are you going to watch the State of—“‬

Me: *blows air horn*‬

You: “Um. The State of the—“‬

Me: *blows air horn*‬

You: “Ok, seriously, tho—“‬

Me: *blows air horn*‬

Me, not a hockey fan, tuning into the third period of the USA/Canada final:

“I am a fucking hockey expert now.”

Our state-of-the-art Olympic drones put you in the middle of the action, capturing every athletic move in 4K resolution, with smart smoothing, auto tracking, dynamic zoom, AI-powered control, and WE CANNOT MAKE THEM ANY QUIETER THEY SOUND LIKE A SWARM OF BEES.

Punxsutawney Phil came outside this morning and burst into flames, signaling that the State of the Union Address is nigh.

We are at an airport restaurant. A robot just drove up to us with our food, said, "Hi! Here I am!" and then drove away with our food.

I would absolutely take gold in Men's Uphill Clutching the Ski Lift and Screaming.

It’s time to enter my final and greatest era: telling people to keep their shirt on

Me: Is this really necessary?

Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it

*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*