Saving every selfie I scroll past, just to give people the thrill of having a secret admirer/stalker

Everything, but yes

Any and all scientists and engineers that built the running robot: I curse you. May the bread you eat taste as ashes in your mouths

Miniature Wife is a weird af

Do you ever wonder if you're actually good at your job or if you're just a decent enough hang that your coworkers are willing to pretend you are?

Me neither

Just bought a new backpack for work, cos the right gear will definitely get rid of my imposter syndrome 📚

Jacks frozen cheese pizza

Add chunks of leftover rotisserie chicken

Cover with shredded provel cheese

You may applaud my culinary prowess

Iran finally reopening the Strait of Hormuz cos it's unbearable to listen to Tr*mp continue to be such a whiny little bitch about it

Reporter: Lightening, how are you feeling about your victory?

Robot: Beep. Also Boop.

Yeah, I love cheddar. I can get into some swiss. I fuck with provolone

But you know what's better than any one of those? A creamy blend of all three

Having teenage kids is a lot like having bad roommates

Except you love them, which makes the whole situation more of a pain in the ass

Yeah, I love cheddar. I can get into some swiss. I fuck with provolone

But you know what's better than any one of those? A creamy blend of all three

People who think they're too good for provel cheese are not my business

I just voluntarily sat through a 2 hour high school musical that I didn't even have a kid in

There are not enough jewels for my crown

Barry: I'll do it, but I'm a little shaky on the hand motions

Zohran: Follow my lead...

Them: What's your take on AI?

Me:

Kash Patel threatens lawsuit against people simply observing his public behavior

The remix slaps even HARDER

Kinda makes me mad how much "Go Cubs Go" slaps #STLCards

Standing weird cos Tehran is railing him so hard

Christian Nationalism serving the cause of American oppression is nothing new. Black Americans have been telling us all along
docsouth.unc.edu/nc/walker/wa...

Standing weird cos Tehran is railing him so hard

And on the other end of the line, it's just your niece telling you to get over it

"Tehran can't blackmail us with the Strait of Hormuz."

- Donald Tr*mp as Tehran is bending him over and robustly fucking him in the ass with the Strait of Hormuz

When your ex is thriving #STLCards

Coke Zero is great cos it's like

First sip: Yay! Coke!

Aftertaste: Ah shit

A true crowd pleaser

Them: Oh, you're a librarian? Can you recommend a book I should read?

Me: I know books, I don't know you

📚

Books, brews, and boohoos