"testosterone makes you attracted to men" is a time-tested Truth, so there is a *small* chance that mr. longpenis's top surgery was merely incidental

fact check: lesbians and bisexual women

I'd say "boobies make men straight" is a solid working theory, but @dilfkink.kindboys.online exists and I'm pretty sure he hasn't had top surgery yet

offline friend: hey bestie offline friend: how you holding up my bf ian: they should bring rose to my apartment and then I throw things at anyone who tries to get near her

(david attenborough voice) now that the male human has found a mate, he displays a most peculiar protective behavior

you may observe the rose from a safe distance 😌

saving this for when I'm recovering from surgery and am supposed to be consuming hella protein and liquids. will report back on whether or not it's any good.

top surgery made @guypussy.bsky.social bisexual (don't fact check me on this) so I'm very excited to see if it will do the same for me

recently I heard and ad for protein soda. the fall of the american empire is much more high-protein than I'd imagined it would be.

from https://www.cartoonshateher.com/p/the-war-between-my-4-year-old-his Briefly, he was obsessed with the word “yee-haw” (but not cowboys) and would bring a paper that said “yee-haw” everywhere, but cried if anyone actually read it out loud.

@it-i4n.bsky.social this sentence reminded me of you

I am laughing so hard I'm tearing up oh my god

I have eaten
the ginger candies
that were in
the sealed bag

and which
you were probably
saving
for surgery recovery

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so spicy

I never should have opened the bag. but I am a weak, weak man.

over/under on me eating the entire one pound bag of ginger hard candies I got for post-surgery nausea and sore throat before I even get the surgery?

I feel like Sleep Medicine as a field exists for people to shrug and say "can't do ambien because it fucks with REM" then ask you if you've tried being less anxious

personally I'd say hydroxyzine is the most fun b/c if you take the max dose it becomes completely impossible to worry about anything for like 45 minutes after it kicks in and it makes your limbs feel like they're made out of jelly. Sleep Med Reviews With Ian. you're welcome 😌

[what's in my purse affect] sleep meds I have tried haul:

- gabapentin: makes my brain not work but doesn't make me sleep
- trazadone: no change except I can't cum after I take it
- hydroxyzine: makes my limbs pleasantly heavy but doesn't make me sleep
- otc stuff (benadryl): lol. lmao.

will also likely get to try an exciting new type of sleep med that insurance never wants to cover b/c ambien isn't great for you long term so this is mostly just to get me through the worst of top surgery recovery

AMBIEN ACQUIRED

putting in my will that my last dying wish is to give everything i own to bigfoot

unlimited transsexual victory

also they gave my girlfriend a pussy

When I was 15 I was sat in a bush on a golf course drinking 3 litres of white cider. What younger folk don't realise that if you want an offline, intentional life, you need to be smoking cigarettes in a flat with holes punched in the wall. It may already be too late for you.

single-digits-days (9) until I donate my tits to science

Ask not for whom the baja blasts; it blasts for thee

the horrors persist but so does the need to pay rent 💅✨️

REAL

writing hard and bad, tinkering fun and good.

this is mainly because writing is a fundamentally evil act and humans were never meant to be able to do it at all

you gotta write fast enough that you don't have time to notice that everything you're writing is horrible. it's shockingly way easier to fix horrible stuff until it starts to look like good stuff than it is to just write good stuff.

when I worked at my college's writing center, clients would often tell me that they had a very hard time writing, and I would always give them crazy eyes and gleefully explain that they simply must write lots of dogshit like someone is holding a gun to their head and then let Future Them sort it out

Ian's Patented Pre-Top-Surgery Routine:
1. panic (either about insomnia or balding--doesn't really matter what, but it's important that you panic)
2. cry hard for 2.5 minutes
3. eat rice pudding
4. experience joy so intense that you think you are going to throw up
5. play your stupid phone game