A dog with human eyes is staring at me <<<<

81 degrees in February and I’m drinking on a patio while Smooth Operator plays >>>>

My husband said Bri from Love is Blind reminds him of the girl on Bob’s Burgers who sucks on her necklace

At the salon overhearing a quirky white woman with teal hair talk about her two cats Miso and Mochi. Like yeah that tracks lol. She didn’t even explicitly say they were cats I just know those are cats

We need to bring back saying “totes McGoats”

Strolled through the purse section at Nordstrom and saw a bunch of these mfs oh please just roll me into the grave already

[to the tune of Get Down On It] Upset stomach 🎵🕺🏻

Game of Phones

When I’m stuck on a phone call or cameras-off Teams meeting with someone who won’t shut up I watch makeup tutorial reels on mute and pretend the person on the phone is doing the world’s most boring GRWM

This cannot be the same brain that mastered the Rule Against Perpetuities

What about enpissification

Subway cashier: do you want a bag?

Me about to walk out into public: yes please but not a Subway one though

Yes! Like he thought about it and then realized he was too cozy lol

Why do cats sit like this lol

I guess not!

I’ve been casually watching season 2 of Nobody Wants This over a few months by throwing it on every now and then and watching until I find something better to do. I thought I’d seen like 3-4 episodes and just opened it to watch another and I’m actually only halfway through the first episode lol

Exciting times for this guy

Horny british guys be like “send nyewds”

ALL RIGHT 🕺🏻

And now I’m literally repurchasing worse Backstreet Boys tickets for a higher price. That’s the worst part of this all!

Just had to call Ticketmaster to complain about a seller cancelling my Backstreet Boys tickets. Humiliating

If this doesn’t exist already you should create it

Guy on the plane next to me is rocking that Suitcase brand suitcase

[spelling something out over the phone] W as in Wario

Sorry I can’t come out after work I have to hit the PetSmart to buy Christmas gifts for seven or eight dogs and cats

Was talking to my zoomer paralegal and I said one of our clients was “chopped” and she laughed incredibly hard in that specific way young people laugh when they’re definitely laughing at you and not with you

I actually almost got charged with it once and it was because I toilet-papered a bridge when I was 17 😭

So true

Criminal mischief is the stupidest sounding crime. Yeah you’re charged with three counts of being a little stinker. I hereby sentence you to bedtime without dinner

I loveeee the grater so much