also, I am still in the same situation that caused all of that pain and burnout, so its not safe.

I don't know what to do.

I just do not fucking know what to do.

Neither could the last.

I miss my business. I miss making my fucking toys. I miss sculpting things in 3D. I miss walking into my workroom without trauma and pain hitting me so hard in my soul that it debilitates me. I cannot even talk about all that is wrong in my life these days. Its dark, but

I have not slept well in months, I forget what it feels like to wake up rested. I'm in weekly therapy that basically just becomes 'shitshow of the week' as I stream-of-consciousness my deepest fears and traumas to a wide-eyed young lady who cannot seem to figure out what to do with me.

the time to build a new site from scratch and go through all the garbage and pay all the money up front again.

I know I still owe a couple of orders, but closing my contract with google for email services seems to have tanked my email system.

I am mentally burned out. I am physically exhausted.

I do not currently make enough money on this business to justify the high cost of Shopify. Plenty of sites still ban adult toys and items. I really don't know how I feel about Spicerack, nor do I really have the time to do the research. I'm trying to finish my college degree, so I really don't have

Just found out that my site is down due to something to do with my certificate. Which is weird because it should absolutely not have changed, nor be out of date.

Y'all. I have to be honest. I do not know what to do anymore. I am so overwhelmed by just getting out of bed every day.

The constant influx of spam emails is unreal. I hardly understand what I am even paying for these days, because there's a LOT more than 2.

My 2025 was largely dominated by a psychotic break and then physical breaks when I snapped back to my senses and that's pretty much all I remember 🙃

you haven't had your beatings to pay for another year of being alive. Mental beatings don't count."

Got the workroom mobility-aid-friendly and frankly much more organized the past few days, with the help of my husband and friend. They're awesome. With luck, I'll be in there tomorrow.

I want to make a longer post of lamentation but I don't have the time and honestly should not anyways.

Dec 1 I broke my left thumb, Dec 3 I cut my left fingertips off of two fingers, Dec 30 I broke my left ankle. Its like the whole year of trying to not get hurt went "Nah,
>

Hey all, sorry for the radio silence. Been out for medical reasons. Around now, but also accidentally got into a hand fight with my table saw trying to finish work room repairs. Will be shipping as fast as I can but I may need a couple more dayd.

*whispering so as to not upset the email gremlins*

I... I think the admin email is working again?

Waiting for boxes has me stuck in 'Waiting for pakidge so can send pakidge' mode.

on stock toys soon, just have to catch up some other things regarding getting out of TX and other stuff.

I thought I was going to have some good news to share, but it just got absolutely eliminated by my husband getting laid off from his job. I know this is a business and we're strangers but at this point, idk, positive energy and good hopes for us? If you can spare them.

I'll be increasing discount

I always appreciate all the patience and am grateful for it every day. Living a line of good news/bad news/mediocre news and just seem to have to fight lately for every little thing. I'm sure some of you are also going through that and know how I mean.

Paypal should be fully fixed, so sorry that took so long to announce. Website updates done, and I have my packing labels ready to go. Gonna pick up some boxes later, and get some dilds all packed up.

I am still working through email, my web host is just... not working out well on that front.

If you need to contact me, *please* message me here. My gmail business account is borked. I tried to cancel it so I could change to something else, because they want to implement an AI I do not want, and charge me more for it. Now I'm just locked out but paying haha. It messed up something entirely.

Drowning. Drowning, but trying. I promise I'm trying. I just can't get into my workroom right now. I'm trying to fix that asap. I'm trying as hard as I can. If someone could politely ask for everything to stop breaking, falling apart, please do so. Clearly I can't reason with this world anymore.

Depression wants me to know I've never felt its truest depths. Autistic burnout is not done ripping all of my very soul from my body. Pain knocked, told me its only gotten started.

Bad medical news, moving is apparently impossible or I just really suck at trying to find places to move to/apartments to rent. Try to further education? Here's some major debt and other issues.

I had no idea so many aspects of life could go so entirely wrong, for so many weeks in a row.

I'm on a 'this planet hates you' hotstreak I guess.

Y'all I am not having a good time.

Even just trying to move keeps failing.

I'm a mess. My life is a mess. The website is broken again. I cannot deal with all of this.

In brief:

- Paypal has my account locked for no apparent reason.

- I have been sick as hell.

- I have lost access to my meds.

- That includes meds that allow me to stay present with time, so I have no concept of time/the passage of it, days, etc (aka Its MAY?!)

- Everything keeps falling apart.

Quick update - I've been under the weather and not able to do shop stuff (or much of anything at all 😵). Shipping seems like it should resume Monday.

Goodness, I know last year was a *year* but wow I am behind on social media. Thank you all for sharing, posting, showing off pics! 🥹💜

Apparently, my email is not letting people reply directly to emails that I send. Which is currently bewildering me.

I also fixed the issues with Square as far as I can tell, so that payment method is good again.

Drop is live! carnalcompendium.com/shop/

Aw, thank you! I am out of practice, I feel. Looking forward to trying to play with some new ideas after moving and trying to get my life back together.