they should invent subtweeting but where you name names

A skeleton crew sounds a lot cooler than it is

I’ll delete my own words if I don’t like them so I can’t overstate the razor’s edge you’re on.

I'm either going to have to kill myself or the person that came up with the "Oh-oh-oh-Ozympic" jingle.

We both can't continue to walk the face of the earth.

I still get just as excited about thunderstorms as I did when I was a kid

My boss: I hate it when people are vague, I am not a mind reader

Also my boss: Here are some vague directions for you

I’m typing stuff in here but nothing’s changing out there.
I better pick up the pace

Today is a good day to forget those who've forgotten you.

Sorry i'm late i hey look over there

Have you tried to Skeet the pain away?

Im a veteran of the war on drugs

Can't be stoned all day if I don't start now

Things I don’t want to know:
3. How much money I spend
2. My actual weight
1. How Crypto works

Turning up my heated seats just to feel something warm pressed against me.

It's so strange waking up and the sun is out and the sky is blue, it looks beautiful.
It's not how I imagined Hell to look.

Well, at least we don’t have our health!

Colson Whitehead, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author: I have no hopes for 2025. Humanity is disappointing. We killed the Earth. Villains triumph and the innocents suffer. I imagine these trends will continue.

Warning, password must be longer than attention span.

The roaring 20s except instead of flappers and swing music its literally just a pandemic and a great depression.

Nipples are the pupils of the breast

I have decided to become evil

tech bro is short for technically broken

The best thing about me is that I’m always down to cancel plans

Everyone: hopefully this all gets better and less chaotic soon

Climate change: hi guys how are you

"Let them guess if it's cake and then eat it."

It prob woulda been hard to be bffs w Gandhi cause id be like will you taste my pasta & tell me what you think & he’d be like no no im fasting & id be like oh ok of course but the silent resentment would just keep building.

This is like watching for the other shoe to drop knowing a millipede lives upstairs.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and oak doesn't it

- Me, if you're drinking wine at my house