The orange air is something else. Hope they get the fires out soon!

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?

ME: Have you?

DENTIST: (sweating) THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!

Bagged salad makers drastically overestimate my willingness to consume the butt end of a cabbage head

Hahaha

Yikes!

❤️❤️❤️

*caveman discovers weed*
*caveman invents fire*
*stone age begins*

So was the way I laughed just now

Discrimination against ass

HAHAHAHA

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of my face with a line through it

REMEMBER: If you're not alone in your dating app profile pic, be sure to state whether or not you're the fish

I sincerely don't get it. What is it about having an unfathomable amount of money that seems to turn most people into fascists?

:( That sucks! So sad to hear it

My teenage daughter confessed to getting high but said it “wasn’t worth it because of the hangover.” Okay, pussy

🎶 YEAH YEAH YEAH

Linkedin is so funny with their little emails. "You may be a fit for this job" lmao ok sure Jan

I guess that's a relief?

Ignoring the truck loads of filthy money that subdued both major political parties & the U.S. government years ago is the gateway drug to becoming a centrist liberal.

Hey, hi, Dave!

REMEMBER: If you're not alone in your dating app profile pic, be sure to state whether or not you're the fish

hey everyone, it's a photo of dipshit mark zuckerberg on the joe rogan podcast with his little worm lips open so he can talk into a microphone about what a fucking loser he is. he's got on headphones (probably beats by dre lol)

DID U KNOW: mark zuckerberg paid millions to develop a special breed of dog (it's a type of cockapoo) so he could shave it and glue the fur to his head

Yes but so did Dr Jesus

Bagged salad makers drastically overestimate my willingness to consume the butt end of a cabbage head

A Forbes article about a father who killed eight children, with an embedded prediction widget inviting people to speculate on whether "Congress will pass new gun safety legislation before 31st December 2026"

ghoulish

I want this corroboration so much!! Anyone??

100% true

if we're both still single by the time we are dead, then whew

My teenage daughter confessed to getting high but said it “wasn’t worth it because of the hangover.” Okay, pussy