went outside for less than 5 min

Hey Siri, play Rubber Soul.

Ok, now playing the Super Bowl shuffle by the Chicago Bears.

I’m just saying, I’m a little bit less terrified of our new AI overlords after that

you guys remember when cory booker did that whole filibuster and then fucked off into oblivion? what a perfect representation of the democratic party

HASSAN: What is habeas corpus?

NOEM: Habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country

HASSAN: That's incorrect

@ChuckWendig honestly do you blame it New research finds Jupiter is flinging asteroids at Earth [pic of jupiter]

i’ve always dreamed of running around on all four and biting people but if I’m being honest with myself i know at this point my lower back couldn’t handle it

Me (proudly) after lifting weights: just look at my abs!

Friend eyeballing my bare midriff: that’s a hernia

Small green plastic case that says HUMAN EYES

I ordered some hobby knickknacks on Etsy and they offered me the option to personalize the carrying case

I go days at times. Not in a funny ha ha people suck way. In a totally inert and powerless way. Ride it out

i have taken one (1) bite of a Cadbury egg and will need to sleep for a few days

Check your chimneys for the Easter Bunny folks, don't wait until your children notice the smell.

On this Easter Sunday. Let’s remind ourselves that America changed Christianity to align with their beliefs, instead of changing themselves to align with Christianity.

One Hole per beverage A coke machine at a fast food place from befor the 2010s is shown next to a big green check mark Unholy drink cloaca A coke machine with a single dispenser and an screen for choice is shown

okay now that you all have gotten a taste of America's rational and predictable new trade policy, everyone who wants to build your new factories here just form an orderly line

Everyday I think about the fact that iceland jailed the people responsible for their financial crisis

Biggest commitment to a 3 second joke I've ever seen

Final_Version_of_Tarrifs_actualFINALcopy_version7_USETHISONE.docx

A black and white image of a concert scene with DJs performing on stage, a crowd of people, and a cat leaping through the air.

Felix sat through the band’s entire new album, and a few of the radio hits, impatient for them to play the old school stuff. Then he heard the familiar bass line start, feeling the rumble deep down in his belly. Finally, it was time to get into the mosh pit and fuck some shit up.

See also: Blade Runner

Deep down all Gen Xers want to be dominated by the Hose. They want Sustenance from the Hose. They want Approval from the Hose

A tiger is curled up in a grass-filled cardboard box set down in a hallway.

[animal shelter]

“I see Mittens is back again?”
“Yeah, third time now.”
“Who dropped him off?”
“Dunno, some dude with one arm.”

Etching a F-350 with enormous truck nuts into the exterior brick of my house so that future archaeologists will appreciate the grandeur of our age

I remember it being unpleasant & a lot less fudge-y.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you've got a good throwing arm.

january 1: this is the year i get my ass in shape 💪 🏋️‍♀️ 🏃🏼‍♂️

march 3rd: i need to get a toilet you can use lying down

We understand that many of you are upset that Timothée Chalamet didn't win the Oscar, but please stop taking out your frustrations on the men's room urinal.

If I stop moving for more than 30 seconds I fall asleep. They should make screensavers for people

eating a garden gnome like a chicken wing