Love a dishwasher at an Airbnb because there are no rules. Everything is dishwasher safe. Nonstick pans, knives, wooden spoons, get in there it’s time to sauna.

I wish Corey Comperatore was alive

My cartoon in last week’s issue of The New Yorker

As far as I can tell Josh Horowitz’s job is to appear in videos shown to me against my will and be…fine? Not good, not bad, just there. You wouldn’t invite him to your party but if he showed up you wouldn’t be mad, and now that I think about it more people could stand to be like Josh Horowitz.

It’s my opinion that today’s movie stars never convincingly play losers or low status people because their whole thing is being winners and high status people, so when eventually in the movie’s third act when the loser becomes a winner, it’s like yeah of course they weren’t actually a loser

The list of movies that would be a lot better if they didn’t have a big movie star as the lead, but also wouldn’t have been made if they didn’t have a big movie star in the lead, is expanding rapidly.

Taylor Swift’s Blank Space sounds a lot like Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me, which led to a very confusing moment for me at a kid’s birthday karaoke party.

It’s unlikely I’ll ever become successful enough that people will comment fire emojis on my posts in hope of currying my favor

Seemed like he was just singing the audio description for the visually impaired

I don’t think it’s great that society is built in such a way where it’s common for grownups to have dreams that they’re still in school but haven’t gone to any of their classes and the final is today and they’re going to fail.

Netflix plans to buy Warner Brothers.

Me: Noooo, someone please stop it

Someone stops it

Me: Noooo, Netflix please buy it

Can you even imagine how stupid the takes were of a farmer in the Roman Empire or a butcher in the Han Dynasty?

Historians would kill to know what the individual thoughts and concerns of regular people were throughout history. But social media gives us that ability now and most people are unintelligent and uninformed while also being better educated than the average person in almost any other time in history

I don’t know why people think they don’t have to pick their dog’s poop off the sidewalk if it happens to be on top of snow, but I’m sure Malcom Gladwell could stretch the explanation out to full book length in Snow Turds: How Unusual Circumstances Create Unreasonable Behaviors

When I post same joke here and on Threads, it’ll get 2 likes here and 300 likes on Threads, and neither is satisfying but in different ways.

You must keep the conversation going. The algorithm demands the conversation keeps going. The algorithm promises likes and shares beyond your wildest dreams if you keep the conversation going.The algorithm says that if the conversation ends, you end.

To tell how fancy a Mexican restaurant is, simply take the price of their guacamole and divide it by the number of chips they give you. Tonight, my restaurant was a 9.

Feeding all of Epstein’s emails into a large language model to create the world’s worst AI Financier Agent.

I couldn’t tell you if Dead Man’s Wire was a good movie because about 5 minutes into it Al Pacino says he only eats his burritos cut into thirds and for the next hour and a half all I could think about was Pacino trying to eat that center third cut.

Snow was invented by the CIA to track where dogs pee

The level of sibling rivalry we’re currently dealing with is my 6 year-old melting down because his younger brother saw dog poop and he didn’t.

Everyone’s idea for fixing the internet boils down to bringing back something from when they liked the internet, which is myopic and naive, except when it’s my idea of bringing back GeoCities

If anyone in Brooklyn needs the snow outside their apartment kicked and stomped, my 6 year-old would love to do it while I tell him that we are late for school and need to keep going.

Calling ICE fascist doesn’t bother them, because they agree. I hate to say this, but if you really want to get under their skin you’ll have to use AI to make realistic and graphic videos of them sucking each other off.

The first person to kill an ICE agent is going to have a hell of a GoFundMe

It’s worth a shot

I don’t love how my kids show more respect for a timer going off on my phone than me saying it’s time to go.

2016 was when I noticed the trend starting of people online blaming all the very bad things that happened on the year itself, so it’s a little disconcerting to see all the people posting their photos from 2016 full of nostalgia.

If Alamo Drafthouse is going to make people use their phones to order food during the movie, the least they could do is let us use Seamless so we can get food that’s actually good.

Scooping Ben & Jerry’s from a pint into a bowl like it’s Benjamin and Gerald’s