Me: Old Macdonald had a farm-

Someone on X/Twitter: Source?!

Can’t believe they went with this title when they could have called it “The Tiger Who Came To Tee”

Snack got caught in the area of overlap between the two rings. My fault for using the vennding machine.

HOT TAKE: There should also be an Autumn Olympics with events like conkers, leaf-kicking, and tasting delicious soups.

Based on the average number of queries per day, ChatGPT is now the world’s third biggest search engine, behind only Google and parents with small kids.

It goes like this,
the fourth, the fifth
the sixth, the seventh
we’re in a lift

My father has dedicated his life to perfecting the recipe for giant profiteroles. So now I have some big choux to fill.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

In the hospital after accidentally swallowing several plastic toy horses. Doctors say my condition is stable.

Salt-N-Pooper?

FUN FACT: Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push it” was written about trying to close the cupboard where you keep your Tupperware.

Halloween is always a sad time of year for me, as it reminds me of my late uncle, who we discovered had a skeleton inside him all along.

Are child car seats designed to prevent food/dirt/mess from accumulating? No.
But are they designed to be easy to take apart and clean? Also no.

BREAKING: Loophole in the law means the robbers may actually be able to keep the jewels. It’s known as “Finders Keepers, Louvre’s Weepers”.

I have an online course that teaches you how to trick people into thinking you’re a dolphin on a golf course. Just click on the links.

Ozempic website asked if I accept cookies. Why else do you think I’m here?

Huge missed opportunity not to buy their own boat and call it Buoyancé.

Why do we need just one Pope? What about a committee or a selection of different Popes to add some diversity. A Pope Pourri, if you will.

A rocket scientist, a guy with a car, and Brad Pitt walk into a bar. Shania Twain is in there, and isn’t very impressed.

Not sure whether or not to believe this Wikipedia page

Russell Brand has never been one to shy away from a long sentence.

It would be hilarious if they found the ‘final’ missing Lord of the Rings novel and it revealed that the rest of the story was just preamble for Tolkien’s chicken chasseur recipe.

My uncle married his radiographer, but I don’t know what she sees in him.

Michael Stipe’s top ingredient in a curry? That’s ghee in the korma.

Apparently reptiles find 80s music relaxing, which is good news if you need a calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.

They say “it takes a village”, which is great news for those of us who are the idiots.

CHALLENGES OF OWNING A FRUIT & VEGETABLE MARKET STALL:

- Competing with supermarket prices
- Increasing cost to rent market space
- Constant risk of stall/stock being destroyed by high-speed movie chase

People say straws aren’t dangerous to animals if we keep them out of the ocean, but try telling that to a camel with a broken back.