Dear Royal Guards I’M JUST A LITTLE BIRTHDAY BOY COME ONNNN

To: Suzy

SORRY. FELL ASLEEP!!!!

From: Spamton

P.S. EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE MAIL GUY!!!!!!

Dear Everyone,

YOU KNOW ME

( disgusting wet cough )

To ALL residents of the underground,

EVERYONE BEHAVE!!! THE QUEEN IS HERE!!!

I’m Watching You,
Spamton G. Spamton

!!!!!

( puffed up like a startled cat ) ( ….. as much as he can be, with his perpetual dampness )

WHAT A SPECIAL KID.

IT’D BE WRONG OF YOU NOT TO PAY ANYONE, Y’KNOW!!

I THINK WE DESERVE A REMATCH!!

THEY HAD TO KICK ME OFF THE NOSE NUZZLING STAGE YEARS AGO. SAID I HAD AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

GREAT!! I KNEW YOU HAD KINGLY MONEY TUCKED AWAY SOMEWHERE!

IS THIS MEAN? YOU’D BE A LITTLE MEAN TOO IF YOU HAD TO WALK ACROSS THE UNDERGROUND AND BACK AGAIN JUST TO RETURN TO SENDER A LETTER EVERY COUPLE DAYS. WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA!

P.S. THE KING KEEPS ASKING ME TO TAKE LETTERS TO THE QUEEN AND IT’S JUST KIND OF SAD AT THIS POINT SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU BUDDY

SHOULD BE FINE AS LONG AS YOU PAY EM!

YOU CAN PAY EM, RIGHT?

I’M GONNA WORRY ABOUT YOU ANYWAY, SILLY!!

MAYBE WE OUGHTA TAKE IT EASY FOR A COUPLE DAYS.

ME TOO! LAST THING YOU NEED IS SOME PUNK KID BEATING ON YOU!

// all my accounts are multiship but i genuinely can’t see it happening on this one just because he is so married to tenna. sorry………

IT WOULD MAKE MY JOB A HELL OF A LOT EASIER!

// it’s ok… he waited for you !

To The Man In Charge:

GET THIS KID ON THE MAIL ROUTE, STAT!!!

Urgently,
Spamton G. Spamton

// he was waiting for you castor. and you just left him hanging

Dear Ant:

SOUNDED LIKE SOME KIND OF BOSS BATTLE TO ME!!

DID YOU SEE SOMEONE COME THROUGH HERE EARLIER, OR AM I LOSING MY MARBLES?

// me every time castor posts on uttenna

WOAH, WHO THE HECK ARE THOSE HANDSOME FELLOWS?

To all citizens of the Underground,

NO MAIL TODAY. PAIN’S TOO BAD.

Regretfully,
Mr. G. Spamton

THAT’S USUALLY WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU SNEEZE OUTTA NOWHERE. THAT, OR YOU’RE GETTING SICK.

( suddenly more serious ) YOU’RE NOT GETTING SICK, ARE YOU?

Eagerly awaiting your response,
Spamton G. Spamton

YOU’RE WELCOME, BUDDY.
WONDER WHO’S TALKING ABOUT YOU!!!

To the right honourable Mr. “Ant” Tenna,

BLESS YOU, HONEY!

Love, Spamton G. Spamton