The world is a shit show, but, on the plus side, the Mets have lost 12 in a row.

It's not a series until the road team wins, and now we have a few.

Happy 4/20 to those who celebrate.

Too many scenes of people writing in diaries.
(I haven't seen it)

You may end a sentence with a preposition. The grammar rule came from Latin and never should have been applied to English. Now go out and give 'em what for.

I can't keep the status of the Straight straight. Straight closed. Straight open. Straight closed. Straight blockaded. Straight open. Straight crooked. Straight straight. Straight late. Straight on a date. Straight not accepting freight.

Joe Pesci as a gyno telling the patient they have more than one uterus

Excitement involves looking forward. I don't do that.
Nostalgia involves looking backward. I don't do that either.

This is all well and good, but as it's under the passenger seat, who's going to be driving when I have to pee?

At the Lyric Opera in Chicago for the world premiere of Safronia, and I cannot recommend this show enough. So far, it’s just tonight and tomorrow, but I’m certain it will travel. I’m truly blown away.

I may not be good at this, but I'm better than you.

You know what this administration should put on the moon? This administration.

It's a good day to be a dog

Whenever you go somewhere, you bring a bit of that place home with you Sometimes it's a souvenir, sometimes it's a few extra pounds, sometimes it's diarrhea. Ah, memories.

a black and white photo of a man in a baseball cap . ALT: a black and white photo of a man in a baseball cap .

All MLB players wear 42 to honor Jackie Robinson today

42

April 15. Celebrate by putting some tea in water.

I'm not Jesus, but I do have Jesus within me.
(Water, Wine, and Blood)

Nothing for free in 2023
What's it all for in 2024
Just trying to survive in 2025
Calling out dicks in 2026

My Instagram ads want me to have 'vein popping erections'.
Ouch.
Also, gross.
Also, anyone have some gauze and medical tape?

Trump is strong on crime*

*Committing them and protecting his criminal friends

Failing to deliver a championship? He failed to deliver a coherent strategy, a basic ability to communicate, and any positive culture. He's a mediocre coach.

Happy Monday the 13th, kiss a black cat, fold a mirror, read a book under a ladder.

Is the check swing/appeal to a base umpire the most inconsistent call in baseball?

Samoas are my heroin.

You could straighten out my Hormuz.

-me, flirting

Best Star Trek Crew. Wrong answers only.

We call a place where you make beer a brewery, because you brew bear
We call a place where you make gin a distillery, because you distill gin.
We call a place where you make wine a winery, because you wine wine.

Full service!

I dreamt people were alive who weren't.
I dreamt I visited places I couldn't remember the names off.
I dreamt I hadn't written what I was supposed to write.