All the exciting new frozen burrito recipes in the world can’t stop a tortilla from turning into leather in the microwave

There’s no such thing as testicles

Can’t sleep at night, in your nice warm bed?
Sleep at work

I should be able to listen to songs for a job but not have to tell people about them unless I want to. And if I do say anything about them it doesn’t have to make sense.

Jeff McNeil has resting Bruce Dern face

You won’t be able to shame me for hoarding the cases of Heinz beans that Costco was selling FYI

Cal Raleigh is on pace to appear in 61 commercials this season

Be blunt and to the joint in your delivery please don’t arrest me

Let People Drink The Fluid From The Strait Of Hormuz

A dream is a dream your heart makes

Luke Raley would hit 62 home runs this year if he were allowed to play past the 6th inning

Seasonal depression is gone. Regular depression is back! Let’s fucking gooooo!

turtles have shells so they have somewhere to hide when a contractor is at their house doing work

Everyone is always asking to read my various pocket squares when I go out places. Picture the surprise on their faces when I unfold one of these bad boys!

Writing from inside a locked bathroom

Let People Drink The Fluid From The Strait Of Hormuz

Fellas love to retire to their chambers

Every singer is a baseball player but not every baseball player is a singer

Glad to have some time to sit down and watch the Seattle Mariners play baseball tonight

It’s weird how Wyoming & New York are identical

I would also like a job where they have to use battering rams to find me

Goat in the water

Wake me when they make a city connect jersey that's just the windbreaker pitchers wore when running the bases in the early 1990s

How many cheez-its can you eat before you have to un-ball yourself off the couch to get more?

Mamdani: If the NYC apartment you keep solely for bi-yearly affairs with your mistress costs over 5 million dollars, you gotta pay more tax

NYPD officer who’s been on disability since 2006 because he stomped too hard on a lady during an arrest and fucked up his ankle: This is a travesty

Googling AI to ask if Blue Sky is a good website

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My mother is testing my patients. The other doctors mock me for bringing her to work but it's very helpful.

Coaches for both teams should be stationed at 1st and 3rd bases so runners can have an angel and devil on their shoulders

Melania shooing him out the fro t door with a broom only for him to scurry right back inside through the gaping hole in the west wing