California king is a mattress that’s sober aside from smoking weed

i like to shoot pool with my bf, Bill Yards . folks,,

4/20 is the day for all the cool calendar nerds

420 day is when you eat a whole pi and watch star wars

[youth pastor voice, bloodshot eyes]

you know who else blazed it up with his buddies?

wait

mama said *knock you out

+ask

I’m reanimating life with dark magic if you wanna swing by

Sent a stool sample in with my tax filing since they want to be all up in my shit

yup…..yup…..yup……mhmm

Somewhere, in an alternate reality, there are cats saving human hairs in cute little jars

did we ever find out who was in the kitchen with Dinah

I wish Wal Mart was still open 24/7 so I could go somewhere instead of being relegated to being weird and off putting at home

I’m so diy that my pet rock is a kidney stone

if you're having a hard time understanding whimsy you should see me trying to understand americans

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack my kids would be safe as long as they are with me, I’d never be able to outrun the little shits and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate the appetite of even the hungriest ursine.

a carnival tax? well, that’s a fair assessment

👽
/||\ alien
_| |_
⠀

👽
<))> gaylien
_| \_

im taking these art classes because i should be able to draw my own conclusions

I wish all men who fat shame women a very Die A Burning Death

i’m over here thinking we're exclusive and then i find out bluesky's going down on everybody

someone who is proficient at sleep magic should put a sleeping spell on me i’m begging

I didn't post yesterday and bluesky went down. Coincidence?

It's spring which means it's time to clear out your old ear hairs to allow for new growth.

my tummy horts but i have responsibilities

bestie: where are you getting your colonoscopy done?

me: in my butthole

When Bsky was down I made a new myspace page.

Tried to talk "by the power of Greyskull" into our wedding vows

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

one thing about my dead horse is i'm going to be beating it