Sorry I'm just in a really bad place right now (United States)

Running into a friend you haven’t seen in forever but who’s been on your heart…BEST. FEELING. EVER!!

No- you’re crying!

Can’t wait for tomorrow so I can find out in which ways it will be worse than today.

Here’s to unhealthy coping mechanisms!

Oh look it’s another self sabotaging past mistake coming back to randomly haunt my brain and send me into my favorite past time- overthinking everything I could have done differently

Veruca Salt may be a bad egg, but even a bad egg is worth $57.69 in this economy.

Last night I kept dreaming about having a big zit on my cheek. When I woke up- there it was. Like I’d manifested it.

So tonight I’m going to repeatedly dream about all my laundry being done and having several million dollars.

Does anyone know how I create a wish list but for Jameson whiskey?

Asking for me

if you followed me because i replied "diarrhea" to a friend, i'm captivated by what sort of person you might be. stranger who did not find me at my finest hour, thank you for thinking there's a chance not everything i say is shit

I post a lot because I am bad at self soothing and need other people to love me until I feel okay for a little while

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME” some angry woman just yelled in my general direction. Not really sure who she’s talking to but she looks pissed

Actual Christian *says Christian things*
Republican: What the fuck is their problem?

If you are single, picture what you think marriage is like. Wrong. You are both in Home Depot arguing over a light fixture.

step 2 reward award motivate you get an a! and you get an a! Alt: Because they’ve made them so stupid no one even understands them.

Me, 2 hours into filling in report cards that most people don’t even look at:

Laughter is the best weapon in the fight against a world filled with hate and tragedy, fear and loathing, despair and duck billed platypuses.

The highlight of my day today was opening my delivered package.

Readers- my package was a squatting toilet stool

This is who I am now

right before leaving the party i peeled my false eyelashes off and left them on an orange in the kitchen

In case you were curious about my mental state knowing I have to go back to teaching after break and 2 snow days:

I made coffee yesterday afternoon, went to fold laundry and forgot about it. Then made more in the same cup this morning and wondered how it got so full

I once went to a city that was built on polka and let me tell you, it was not structurally sound.

*discovery of potatoes*
1st person: What should we do with these?
2nd person: *clenches fist* EVERYTHING.

What do you call the leaves on palm trees? Asking for a frond.

I’m actually looking forward to this- what will she think of next??

We don’t know and neither does she because she forgot it 4 seconds later

When I saw the kids sandwiches cut in the shape of a pentagram, I knew I needed to rethink the babysitter vetting process.

you, me, and poo-pourri™

asked the father-in-law what he wants for his birthday and he said "aryan grandchildren" so now what

(first day as a porn director)

here let me show you how to do this…

*starts eating the pizza