Someone told me something I wrote was "poggers" and now I want to kill both them and myself.

Just when I think I'm done arguing with morons, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Watching these buddy-cop-comedies from the 80s, it's absolutely bonkers how normalised casual police brutality is in those movies.

The internet tells me that the rapture is finally happening this week. About time! Please leave the keys on the mantle on your way out. Kthxbye!

"I know it's your birthday but why must I be punished by being made to attend?"

The slow fade out is the worst possible way to end a song. Terrible. Simply unacceptable.

This isn't the 70s. Write an actual end to your track, you uninspired hack.

I've come to realize I hoard medical supplies like health potions in a videogame.

"Yes, I'm bleeding now but what if I really need it later?"

Goddamnit 😣

Look, I don't have a birthday.

I came out, armed and fully grown, from the split skull of Abholos the Great Devourer.

You can stop asking now.

Having just read about it, I am now obsessed with the very idea of a Clayface body horror movie written by Mike Flannagan.

"If I exorcise my devils
Well my angels may leave too
When they leave they're so hard to find"

No, I just don't want them to suspect I'm a serial killer. It makes the whole thing just so much harder when they do.

Truth is the only reason I have any social media presence is that I've been told having none makes you look like a serial killer.

I wouldn't want anyone to have expectations.

Complacent is complicit. Always has been.

I've been debating with myself whether the best course of action is to set myself on fire or to set everyone else on fire. A Slurpee sounds like a much better idea.

Today's gonna be a humdinger of a day. I can already tell.

Being forcefully told that, actually, Quebec is a "very religious place" filled with rabid christians by some angry internet nerd never gets old.

Watching tv last night and my glasses just spontaneously burst apart on my face.

So it's going to be that kind of week, is it?

😆

When you’re asked your opinion about art, there is only one valid answer.

“That’s a vagina”

You’ll be right like half the time. The other half, you’ll be hilarious. In fact, the less of a vagina it is, the better it gets.

“Sir, that’s a picture of …”

“IT’S A HUNGRY, ALL CONSUMMING CUNT!”

"Captain Ukraine" 😆

I'm sorry, dude, but if your song starts with extended samples of whale noises, I'm out.

I feel like the black smoke is just an Everything's Okay alarm and about as useful.

Smoke, you say? As fortune would have it, molotov cocktails are just one of the many wonderful innovations I will bring to the table as Cyberpope.

I would like to throw my hat into the ring. It's time to move this whole organisation into a grim, new future and I, for one, would make a great Cyberpope.

I just woke up from a dream in which I was loudly arguing with the old guy behind the counter about the outrageous price he was charging for a can of Coca-Cola.

I don't know what that means about where my mind is at but I suspect I'm going to be just intolerable today.

Looks like I'm not the only one who's gonna be out in the cold without any retirement funds or savings. Checkmate, Ant.

Sincerely,
Grasshopper

Only a mind truly at peace can contemplate the universe but it pays for it with devastation.

I mean, come ON. It's pretty obvious.

I was once told that it doesn't matter if the stories told about the Buddha are true. They are important because they tell aspects of the truth that he represents, not because they are historically accurate.

What I am saying is, did I ever tell you I used to be a lion tamer in Botswana?