with all my wit and cunning, I could probably eat this marshmallow and still eat two more later…

guy who spells muscle like hustle

evil scientists dont create monsters or viruses anymore they just pour unlabeled bottles of chemicals from 7 years ago down the sink

(I am an evil scientist)

guy whose life’s goal is to become a fecal transplant donor

big fan btw

Using modded Minecraft fluid pipes in real life to fill the Grand Canyon with lava then accidentally falling in

When I say “LMFAO” the F stands for “frickin’” or “freaking” and never, ever the real f-word

putting the contents of an unflushed toilet into the office Lost and Found box

asking for a to go box after I finished all my pancakes because I want to take home the syrup on the plate

guy who presses elevator buttons really hard

trying my hardest to do a troll face while robbing a bank

I don’t want my lunch break to be over

girl dinner

when I was little I saw the episode of Arthur where the girl’s head exploded off her body and thought if I clenched my jaw for too long it would happen to me

I have hypnosis powers that only work on shrimp and creatures that have eaten shrimp in the last 8 hours

plane tickets are too expensive I just go to the carnival with a boxcutter and cut the straps on the human slingshot ride, which is conveniently aimed towards my vacation destination

airplane making an emergency landing because I botched the spell I was casting

boom boom pow lyrics

yelling “HE’S GONE AWOL” when my coworker leaves the office 15 minutes early on a friday