I’m a hard working lazy person.

I will seduce you through the ancient art of hating what you hate.

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

i think i want to be a decommissioned lighthouse when i grow up

Vibing is just me quietly drinking my morning coffee

it probably feels so good to do something with your life

Give me a hit of that high fructose corn syrup.

Instead of saying I have to poop, I say I’m starting a movement.

I want peace but I also want to fuck shit up

why don’t cartons of detergent have pictures of missing socks on them

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

rearranging the hideaway in my mind to make room for more floor cushions and cheese snacks

just roll me up in a blanket, i'm a 420 sleepy burrito

My greatest professional skill is never circling back when someone says let's circle back

That’s gonna leave a question mark.

gonna fuck around and be my biggest cheerleader but more like the cheerleaders from the nirvana music video

If you don’t tell her she’s beautiful, some random man at the gas station will

there isn’t enough time in the day to be a woman

normalize dropping to your knees and sobbing when people won’t stop talking

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

Ok, I’ve had enough of today. I’d like a refund.

Why is ham the only thing that gets honey glazed around here?

Just remember, sometimes clothes aren’t clothes, they’re wrapping paper.

There was no descent into madness. I did a cannonball.

A very sexy mushroom risotto

Don’t wanna brag but I got the solution to the male loneliness epidemic right here fellas…

i got that whatever in me. it's not a dog but some other thing. a rat maybe

gonna emoji you like it's an aol chatroom in the 90s

sorry if i seem kinda dumb today, it’s just that i’m dumb