ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

Bagged salad makers drastically overestimate my willingness to consume the butt end of a cabbage head

It’s inaccurate to say Mario is brave and Luigi is cowardly

Luigi is afraid of death, so he runs away from danger. Mario is afraid of living, so he runs towards death. Both brothers are cowards in their own way

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of my face with a line through it

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

Please stand by for more.

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

Hobbies are awesome. I've started screaming at the sun.

Firing and jailing RFK is the moderate position

Gideon Spencer Gideon Spencer, 77, died Monday. The family requests privacy while they fight over his stuff.

LA! These kitties’ human passed away, and they need a new home! Please help them find one! Spread the word!

Film Festivals, Screenplay Contests, Submissions Enter the world's best film festivals and screenplay contests. FilmFreeway makes it easy to discover, submit and get tickets to thousands of events.

Amazing news! My Boyfriend the Drag Queen (Based on a True Story) was just selected by INROADS SCREENWRITING FELLOWSHIP via FilmFreeway.com!

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL BLUESKY ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE ASTROLOGERS

a drawing of a monster that looks like a christmas tree with a r on the bottom Alt: a drawing of a monster that looks like a christmas tree, all eyes and tentacles

The future is not written in stone, but the new SorrowScopes will give you a glimpse of the terrible possibilities.
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social

Aries: This is a good week to stay in bed and weep uncontrollably.

Taurus: It turns out your neighbor wasn't re-enacting the Stations of the Cross in his yard last week.

Gemini: The acute agony you’ve been experiencing will let up a bit and morph into more of a vague dread that’s actually much, much harder to endure.

Cancer: It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, because you will find some way to drown yourself in it.

Leo: Voices from your past will reach out to you this week to remind you that you still owe them money.

Virgo: Your emotional unavailability really does you in this time and they mistake you for dead. At least your crypt is opulent yet tasteful.

Libra: Follow the orders given to you by the man in the Hot Dog On A Stick uniform.

Scorpio: Someone's going to slip up and mention "the experiment" in your presence. Let it go. If you start digging you're just going to get all stressed and throw your baselines out of whack. And honestly it's pretty narcissistic to think there's a whole big experiment about you.

Sagittarius: Take a leadership role in your own life. First order of business: give yourself a demotion.

Capricorn: Use this week to reignite old passions, like perfecting your "guy from Sling Blade" impression.

Aquarius: "It's not possible to play Muzak too loud," you've always said, and this is the week you learn how disastrously wrong you were.

Pisces: Your eyes go black and birds fall out of the sky as you smile for the first time in centuries. All is transpiring according to prophecy.

GUYS, THERE’S A WHOLE NEW BUNCH OF @sorrowscopes.bsky.social OUT. GET ON THAT SHIT AND FEEL THE PAIN OF YOUR EXISTENCE

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WON’T LET YOU SLEEP

Aries: This is a good week to stay in bed and weep uncontrollably.

Taurus: It turns out your neighbor wasn't re-enacting the Stations of the Cross in his yard last week.

Gemini: The acute agony you’ve been experiencing will let up a bit and morph into more of a vague dread that’s actually much, much harder to endure.