I am growing cyanobacteria cultures so dense that bleach won't kill them. If I cause a worldwide cyanobacteria bloom that causes the extinction of all other life on earth I am actually not sorry, I think it's better this way.

Does anyone know if there are any haunted houses I can live in for free if I'm not afraid of ghosts? Or if I want to fuck the ghosts?

I might have actually found an apartment and now I'm pissing myself because I don't want to spend money. But I don't want to live with my dad anymore. But I don't want to spend money! I just want to die! Fuck this shit!

drew an egg

Anyway the group chat is called Hemoglobin Hoes.

When I joined my second lab I asked if there was anything I needed to be added to, like Slack, and the guy training me just said "Oh we don't use Slack."

Now, 5 months later, other lab members are like "Oh we forgot to add you to the WhatsApp group chat.

Five months!!

I just want a new iPod.

Oops! All iPods (the company is just iPods now)

This is not a health thing, I don't think artificial sweeteners are bad for me, I just fucking loathe the taste of diet sodas and I will fly into a rage if I get that artificial sweetener aftertaste when I'm expecting delicious high calorie high fructose corn syrup.

If I order a Coke and you serve me a diet Coke and I get a mouth full of artificial sweetener that I did not ask for, I am going to kill myself in front of you. I do not think this is an overreaction.

red dot matrix display reads "blood is life" over an engraving illustration of the phrase "love never dies" on the backglass of a bram stoker's dracula pinball table

Your bad takes should be studied in a lab.

Genuinely what the hell is wrong with you?

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame isn't real, it can't hurt you.

Three panel comic. Panel 1: scene from the movie Aliens; Ripley is in a mech suit and delivers her iconic line: “get away from her, you bitch!” Panel 2: the xenomorph queen lunges at Ripley in the robotic suit and they engage in a fight. Panel 3: later, the xenomorph queen is standing in the shower, mid wash. She says, “‘it takes one to know one, honey.’ That’s what I should have said.”

Parapa the Rapper doing Linked In Park "One thing I don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard you try"

I was listening to "Stagger Lee" by Lloyd Price in the car on the way home and when I got in the door, my dad was listening to the very same song. We must be related.

I have to stop listening to music at work. I can't keep getting caught doing the Jello Biafra voice in the tissue culture room.

Three panel comic. Panel 1: at a house party, a guy is standing next to his buddy, a human-size horseshoe crab. They’re both holding red solo cups. The guy is looking to the other side of the room and excitedly says to the crab, “hey, there’s another horseshoe crab here!” The crab replies, “ugh.” Panel 2: the guy says, “what’s wrong?” The crab says, “he’s one of those guys who flaunts it too much.” Panel 3: we see the other horseshoe crab in question, engaged in conversation with a group of smiling people standing around him. This second horseshoe crab is wearing a cap with a horseshoe on it, and a novelty t-shirt that reads: I SURVIVED 5 MASS EXTINCTIONS. IS IT FRIDAY YET?

Steamed Hams full transcript Well, Seymour, I made it- despite your directions. Ah. Superintendent Chalmers. Welcome. - I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon. - Yeah. Oh, egads! My roast is ruined. But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour. Ah- Skinner with his crazy explanations The superintendent's gonna need his medication When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations There'll be trouble in town tonight Seymour! Superintendent, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me? Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour? Uh- Oh. That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams. Whew. Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers. I thought we were having steamed clams. D'oh, no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers. You call hamburgers steamed hams? Yes. It's a regional dialect. - Uh-huh. Uh, what region? - Uh, upstate New York. Really. Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams. " Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression. I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger. Oh, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe. - For steamed hams. - Yes. Yes. And you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled. Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- - Excuse me for one second. - Of course. Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped. Yes. I should be- Good Lord! What is happening in there? - Aurora borealis. - Uh- Aurora borealis at this time of year at this time of day in this part of the country localized entirely within your kitchen? - Yes. - May I see it? No. Seymour. ! The house is on fire. ! No, Mother. It's just the northern lights. Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow but I must say you steam a good ham.

Today is officially the 30th anniversary of Steamed Hams. On April 14, 1996, "22 Short Films About Springfield" aired for the first time!

He's usually the second person to get into the lab in the morning and he'll pass me on his way in while I'm on my way to the break room to toast my bagel. Yes the little lab gremlin has opened the lab for you.

My new coworker is so tall I'm actually embarrassed when we walk past each other in the hall. I feel like a tiny little elf.

Hmm, Navy morticians...

[it quickly transpires that I'm obviously imagining myself in a long navy blue lab coat and not listening to a thing you're saying]

heartwarming video of astronaut Christina Koch greeting her dog for the first time after returning from space. the pup can be seen snarling, back arched, before scampering to its word buttons and pressing "IMPOSTOR" repeatedly, then "FALSE. SKIN. FALSE. SKIN." several times

I've been working here for almost two years and I still haven't intuitively figured out the toaster in the break room. 4 doesn't get my bagel perfectly toasted, but 5 burns it. One day I will achieve a perfect bagel.

She is the least goonesque person ever, but surrounded by very goonesque people or worse (e.g. me)... fascinating case.

I was showing my date a photo of a small prehistoric whale last night and I said "It's like the size of a horse" and when he got really confused I realized I was so paleo-brained in that moment that I was imagining eohippus.

My friend just said it this past week and I was baffled. She's a mother of three toddlers and a social worker who works with high school kids, I don't know if that has anything to do with it.