scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: santa claus?

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

what idiot called it a wave and not standing water

It is 10:30 tyvm 😂

a nutri-grain bar is just an uncircumcised fig newton

fry from futurama is shown with a very serious look on his face ALT: fry from futurama is shown with a very serious look on his face

you mean so you don’t have to share

a screenshot of todays connections puzzle, centered on the words “hole” “wizard”

i’m not just good at sex, i’m a

ME: can i take your picture

MUSEUM CURATOR: what no

coworker thought that Michael Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal

I have never wound up on Threads on purpose.

man: i bet she’s thinking about other guys.

me: arby’s is pronounced rb’s which stands for roast beef.

why yes, I happen to know all the struggles of today’s modern women.

- me, after accidentally buying a pair of sweatpants without any pockets

“AI is gonna take your job” I’d like to see AI drink a little too much and text all his friends about how cherished they are

that’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, fighting with a pigeon

fix your hearts or die

me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

satan:

me:

satan: give it back…

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful...

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava...

Jason B. @jdb820.bsky.social •7h • he/him So you'd sign up for Communism if it meant healthcare, rent, and groceries were affordable. 103 ₴53 O 19 ...

What did this person think saying this in my mentions would result in

I knew one day I’d have to watch powerful men burn the world down – I just didn’t expect them to be such losers

Can a headline alone be eligible for a Pulitzer?

Me: What’s your favorite farm animal?

Owen Wilson: Cow

Me: So is Panic! At the Disco saying it’s better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, or poison rationality?

Doctor: I meant questions about your surgery.

i do not trust birds that stand on one leg. what are they hiding

their other leg

Me: So is Panic! At the Disco saying it’s better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality, or poison rationality?

Doctor: I meant questions about your surgery.

if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them

You ever go back and watch episodes of your kids favorite shows just to fill in all the plot points you missed?

Just me then?

Who could have guessed that Neil Gaiman’s greatest work of fiction would be his kind, gentle persona?

Devastated

you’ll never guess what this is in response to

coworker thought that Michael Jackson covered Alien Ant Farm’s Smooth Criminal