my burden of proof boyfriend is boyfriend until proven single

everything's always "a little column A, a little column B." that's why nobody noticed me planting C4 on columns C through Z

my quantum boyfriend both is and isn't my boyfriend when not under observation

my quantum boyfriend keeps blinking out of existence whenever i look away

i hope this isn't corny, but my face lit up when you accepted my venmo friend request

goku

they should invent a cigarette that's bad for you

benny feldman comes to mind, but he is also the only one who comes to mind lol

yes, with the exception of one-liner comedians, who are essentially reciting tweets into a microphone

sleeping is dumb. i'm not gonna do it anymore

I'm loggin on you better not be handsome when I get there....
....
.. why I oughtta!!!!!!

everyone lets lock in and be amazing

[standing on the bottom of the ocean] damn... with square brackets you can even go to the bottom of the ocean..

(snakeroot post) damn i'm starting to feel like The Andes are the world's longest continental mountain range, stretching along the western coast of South America through seven countries, from Venezuela to Chile, and are known for their extreme biodiversity

multiple times this week i've seen guys walking down the street sucking on these hands-free, like a noir film detective who's always got a cigarette hanging from his mouth. you can't convince me these are as cool as cigarettes, no matter how hands-free you suck it

They should invent a gun that doesn’t whisper stuff to you

speaking from experience yes you do

i'm just not feeling very like/comment/subscribe today

cyberpunk world but it's hgtv themed. a hacker might say, "i'm knocking out this wall to open up the floor plan." cyber prosthetics would be like, "i'm getting a contractor to do an installation." just something i've been thinking about lately

engaging you in hand-to-hand combat by hitting your hand as hard as i can with my hand

it feels so good every time

i haven't told them i'm the original. they just think i'm weirdly enthusiastic about our situation. it's bringing up a lot of nature vs nurture discussion

my clones haven't been as excited about having sex on camera as i thought they'd be when i bought clonesex dot com on GoDaddy

i promise to never use my laser eyes for anything unethical

have you heard the singles from the upcoming one

playfully teasing the tip of the dentists suction spit wand thang with my tongue

(feeding my dog trazadone) don't worry, i'll take some too. i hate going to the vet just as much as you

ever since the trepanation my mind palace gets a bubble on the ceiling when it rains

babe does this pencil skirt make my cock look like the most egregious mistake god made at the dawn of my conception

babe do these pants make my asshole look big