Today my 5yo learned that kitchen rhymes with bitchin’ and he won’t let us forget it.

My husband offered me a “high-protein cheese” made from Greek yogurt instead of real cheese. I’m calling the police.

Motherhood is saving one kid’s lemonade from hitting the floor while the other kid sneezes on your food

Fall is great because every time I run my dryer the little corn pieces from the pumpkin patch magically appear

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I say as I hand the ball my kid just kicked over the fence back to him.

Have we tried unplugging him and plugging him back in?

- Me after a hard day with my kid

Passing down my fear of public restrooms generationally

My toxic trait is thinking I don’t need to change out of my good clothes because I won’t get paint on them this time

Me: Everything hurts and I’m dying.

Also me: These Oreos are helping though.

Sometimes I like to microwave my already hot coffee because I can’t enjoy it unless it’s hurting me.

You know you had a good night at the pumpkin patch when 30% of your expenses were corn dogs and donuts

5yo: Mommy, there’s hair on your arm.

Me: Yep.

5yo: You’re turning into Dad.

Happy hiding under a blanket while your husband watches scary movies season to all who celebrate

7yo: Imagine if a baby knew karate when it was born.

Me: I cannot.

No one warns you that the hardest part of having boys is accepting you’ll never have a clean toilet again.

Oh, you just cleaned it? How cute! They peed on it already.

Nothing says my kids broke something like a crash immediately followed by complete silence.

A 5-pound bag of candy corn would fix me.

Taking out a second mortgage on my house to pay for my kid’s book fair haul

Civil war but it’s just my husband trying to water the grass and killing my flowers instead.

7yo: Mom, what’s 6 7 mean?

Me: I don’t think anyone knows.

7yo: I think it means she’s gotta big back.

Me: NOPE. No. No, that’s not what that means. Don’t repeat that.

Once again I find myself in a long car ride with two screaming kids and zero noise canceling AirPods

Not to brag but I opened my junk drawer and there were FOUR (4) pairs of scissors in it

For the third year in a row, my kid has requested I dress as a marshmallow for Halloween. Because I *checks notes* “look like a marshmallow.”

A long drive and some Pink Floyd on the radio. Exactly what I needed to knock these kids out.

I’m stronger now.

— my kid pushing his older brother off the couch on the morning of this 5th birthday

Nothing raises property values like your son yelling MY DAD POOPS HIS PANTS out the front window

Sharing is caring, and other shit I said while scraping my frosting off the bottom of my husband’s donut

Tonight’s wine is pairing nicely with the kinetic sand fight in the dining room and some light dissociation.

Have you ever had a banana string stick to your finger and completely ruin your entire day?

The moment I sit down to pee:

MOM I NEED HELP!