It was so cold yesterday my computer froze…

It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open

Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick.

Seriously, how low can you go

I recently took a pole and found out that over 90% of people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

I had a happy childhood.

My Dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills.

Those were Goodyears...

I tried to start a stationary business.

Unfortunately, it just didn't go anywhere

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

What musical instrument can you absolutely not trust?

A Lyre

What do you call 66% of a poop?

Two turds

I accidentally took my cats meds last night..

Don't ask meow

Every morning I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard.

I herd it through the grapevine

Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: Why?
Judge: It’s a fine.
Mario: No itsa not

My wife tried to annoy me with bird puns.

But I soon realised that toucan play at that game

How do you comfort an English teacher?

There their they’re

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine.

It was about a weak back

I went to a psychic.

I knocked on her front door.

She yelled: "Who is it?"

So l left

I got hit in the head with a can of soda…

Lucky it was a soft drink

What do you call a country that doesn’t exist?

A Halluci-nation

Why do fish always sing off key?

You can't tuna fish

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said, "let's not get carried away”

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?"
Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!"
The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

My husband was telling me I am of average intelligence.

Now that’s just mean

If H2O is Water and H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide, What is H2O4?

Drinking

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.

Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

Are mountains funny?

No, they're hill areas

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...

...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

What are you going to do in the weekend?

“I’m going to buy glasses”

“And then what?”

“Then I’ll see”

My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq.

He almost forgot his suitcase. I said “don’t forget your Baghdad”

I lost 20% of my couch.

Ouch