“I’m Johnny Knoxville and I’m crashing a plane.”

I was at Sony recording studios yesterday and someone asked me if I was Rick Rubin

LA is great if you live in a cool and nice neighborhood and never EVER have to leave it

I’m all for TMZ taking down members of congress for their bad behavior. I just wish their powers worked on presidents too

Trump claims that was a picture of him as a carpenter

He’s just white trash America’s most recent fad. Wish this one had been harmless like Beanie Babies

I have Christian, Muslim, and Jewish friends and we all get along just fine because we’re all atheists

Dudes will describe a girl as “goth” and then you see her and she’s just a brunette

As a leftist New Yorker, I’m smug as ever. Hope you enjoy your cars, shitheads

Trump: “Let them eat steak.”

He was coming from a meeting with the other Dick Tracy bad guys

Christian Laettner on the Dream Team has big Dan Aykroyd on “We Are the World” energy

Carless New Yorkers seeing conservative friends and family in red states complain about gas prices on social media

This is how I feel hanging with my friends who live in Bushwick

I love how click-baity and coy Fox News is when someone dies. Can’t wait to see “The Apprentice host dead at 79.”

I often think about how bummed I’ll be if I’m not in New York City when he dies

Donna Kelce on her way to the paint store

Complaining about gas prices is kinda insensitive to those of us who don’t have cars cuz we live in New York

They gotta start screening people who sit in exit rows. There’s an old woman who keeps accidentally playing music at full volume from her phone and then her and her husband scramble to try to turn it off and I just don’t trust that they’ll be very helpful in an emergency

“We gotta go kill their oppressive religious right wing leaders”
-American and Israeli oppressive religious right wing leaders

If they didn’t want to get hit by snowballs, they shouldn’t have dressed like that

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Logo (Early Draft)

Kid Rock makes music for people who can’t figure out how to use chopsticks

It’s gotta be weird for country club republicans to pretend to like Kid Rock while already pretending to like Donald Trump

I keep getting profiled because of my appearance. People assume I watched the Kid Rock halftime show. I haven’t listened to Kid Rock since I was in 8th grade which is the only age it’s appropriate to be a fan of his

Turning Point USA halftime show

Government officials killed a white guy with a legally concealed firearm. I feel like this is the kind of thing white guys with legally concealed firearms would be mad about if they hadn’t become worthless pawns of the state

Inviting friends to a Trump rally

I know what he can do to try to turn her straight

Oh, you’ll know I’m American. I’m overweight and unfashionable.