TONY! lovely to see you, as always.

oh no thank you i havent been able to digest this mornings news i couldnt possibly have any more

What if I hugged you real tight then slowly let go then told you your blood pressure after? What would happen then

No one cares if you have no DMs in your bio okay? It’s the apocalypse. Shoot your shot. See you in Hell.

had a bone scan today and it was just a drone hovering over me for like 30 mins?

ok goodnight it's time to have stress dreams about work for 8 hours and then go to work for 10 hours

[bing crosby voice] 🎶 have yourself an existential crisis

You seem great. I’m a bad judge of character.

stop blaming mondays for your problems this is because of the witch who cursed you at birth

what’s your favorite place to cry? mine’s the taco bell drive thru

Me: so in conclusion I'd say I'm most like a cat

Interviewer: you mean you're quick and always land on your feet?

Me: *headbutting the vending machine to show affection*

Let's get jolly up in this motherfucker

(texting the devil) hey man are you bringing your eggs to the function

damnit, ty. now my head hurts

i went black friday shopping on tuesday nothing makes sense anymore

it’s been at least a decade. i’m starting to think you don’t mean it tbh

For just 50 cents a day you can throw a roll of pennies at Keith in accounting

I want a ghost writer. Who is willing to die in order to write me better posts

welcome to my childhood home. i hope it makes you as uncomfortable as it makes me.

Screen capture from the blues Brothers movie saying we're putting the band back together

How it feels reconnecting with Twitter mutuals

“hey, I for one love the replies,” she says to nobody.

I don’t exact revenge, I approximate it.

DR: you should drink more water
ME: you mean fish air? no thanks

EMU WARS

if you cry into your mashed potatoes you don’t even need salt