In the early 1900s you could have asthma so bad it became your nickname and still be a lights out pitcher

Techbros all think they are Robert Downey Jr as Tony Stark, but really they are just Kevin Spacey. Not even Kevin Spacey as a character from a movie, just the regular ol' off-putting sonofabitch

I’ve never said a bad thing about Patrick Bailey’s hitting and if you claim I did, I will sue you

My hand holding a bottle of Ramuné Japanese soda

Mmm so tasty

It was invented by hallmark to sell cards

If I struck out Shohei Ohtani on three pitches I’d tell that story at every party I went to for the rest of my life

Time is a social construct

The absolute nerve of this guy

Stormin through the party like my name was El Niño

If I ever catch a foul ball at a baseball game, I’m not giving it to someone else’s kid I’m keeping it for mine.

Will Smith (Dodgers catcher not Chris Rock slapper) looks like an elementary school bully in the mold of Scott Farkas

The 1971 Indo-Pakistani War

Have you seen the one from like 2011 when Kyle was at a Giants game

Stop trying to make Lio Rush happen.

Most Americans: I’m going to die working this job 😞

Members of Congress: I’m going to die working this job! 😃

Buddy do I have some news about the last 1,900 or so years

Careful, the cyclists might see this and yell at you about cars weighing 3,000 pounds because no one has heard that before. Cars being big means cyclists don’t have to pay attention, I’m told.

also funny how many guys with hangups about "HR managers" have never once worked anything like an actual job in their life.

Reggie Dinkins

I used to anxietymaxx but now I’m an Ativan Chad

The kids like to say “U-G-L-Y you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly”

But that’s not true. Ugly people have an alibi. Their parents were ugly. It’s not their fault!

Just because I didn’t do what you want it doesn’t mean I didn’t listen to you. I did listen. I just thought your idea was bad and/or dumb.

Makes perfect sense, neither one has been able to win shit since the mid 90s.

I could be so rich if I had fewer scruples

Volkswagen with license plate SKADOO

Listen to some Streetlight Manifesto? Don’t mind if I…

Lmfao

Tom steyer: “I used to be a piece of shit, but people can change”

🤯

There are two men on earth named Max Muncy and they both play in Major League Baseball