drafting your superstar’s girlfriend who’s also a really good player is so awesome. new dallas power couple alert

screaming oh my god at work. everyone rushes into my office. i’m shell shocked.
whats wrong they ask. i can’t speak. i’m stunned. they come around to see my screen. i was watching charlie bit my finger. i had never seen it before. he just… bit him… he bit him… i say. we all cry.

i guess so : /

they just told me i’m in the play-in tournament? i told them i’m just a guy and not an nba team and they said “that doesn’t stop us” so now i have to play the warriors for a chance to make it to the playoffs

they thought amerigo vespucci was so cool they decided to name the whole shit after him. tip to tail. kind of shit i need to be on 🙏

BREAKING: The New York Knicks have traded Karl-Anthony Towns for The Tall Shadow Man Standing In The Corner of Your Room At Night. The Knicks organization have said, “We are excited for the future of this franchise. The Tall Shadow Man is a really great prospect.” When asked, Towns said, “What?”

they’re calling one of my favorite bands cringe on twitter… never thought it would happen to me

its cool when i say i don’t like being called “sammy” and someone will be like “okay i know how to annoy you now” and i have to say “no it won’t annoy me it’ll make me genuinely mad in a not fun way”. don’t know why i hate it so much but i really really do

maybe its the only food YOU make into a little house. i’m out here making wet spaghetti mansions and cheerios townhouses

“we’re not so different, you and i, mr. bond,”

2 in a row babyy

Raise your hand if you love laying on the bathroom floor all night because of nausea

have you guys considered maybe they’ll retire it… *after* he retires?

comments on all the mavs posts about mark aguirre’s jersey retirement asking when they’re going to retire luka’s jersey. i fear people might be too stupid to

Timothee chalaMet Is in dune

had a dream i was in a happy relationship with a beautiful woman so if anyone feels like making that real for me please let me know

creased sluggo is very important to me

so uh my beautiful mavericks absolutely wrecked the knicks earlier and i kept saying out loud to my family "what is happening. how are we doing this"

los angeles teams must be prevented from winning any more championships this decade. the line must be held here. 1 nba championship, 3 world series wins, a super bowl win, and two mls cups since 2020? its not okay and it must be stopped

Help! I'm Addicted to Saying "PUP! Pup the Band. We Love PUP, don't we folks." in an Impersonation of the President!

me watching the mavs game tonight

“just take the vacation. book the flight. you only live once. just travel internationally. just take a plane as far away as you can. just take the trip” WITH WHAT MONEY??? NOT ALL OF US HAVE THAT MUCH DISPOSABLE INCOME BUDDY

basketball. what a sport

“uh that song is not just the stranger things finale song. its heroes by david bowie”- someone who knows it mostly as the song from perks of being a wallflower

i think a baseball team should let me throw the final pitch

i could not be forced to give a fuck about the odyssey movie being historically inaccurate. maybe its cause i do theater and all of Shakespeare’s plays including the histories get set in all sorts of ahistorical or fantastical settings like all of the time

i’m like if bobby from company wasn’t going on lots of dates with beautiful women. i’m just a single guy whose friends are all married or in long term relationships

reverse john be like
war’s still going
if you don’t want it
war’s still going
then

reverse paul be like
The mood is wrong
The spirit’s down
We’re gone today
And its not enough
Complexly having a terrible Fourth of July

blue beer, cold jean, dirt truck, big road… american friday night!