Excited to announce our summer concert series. Tickets on sale soon!
• Fleetwood Mac & Cheese
• Bill Zombie (Rob’s brother)
• KISS Tribute Band Tribute Band
• Billie Eyelash
• Corey Feldman
Thank you. Key is under the mat.
FedEx is supposed to deliver a new car for the rollercoaster tomorrow but we won’t be here. Can anyone come and sign for it for us?
In unrelated news, the Main Street Stage brought to you by Surge™ is now available to rent for filming TikTok dances. (As long as you’re cool with the possibility of Hush-Hush being in them).
ATTN INFLUENCERS:
TIkTok dance videos are no longer allowed to be filmed in the park.
Feel free grab some. Please sign this waiver real quick first.
BEES OH GOD THERES A BEEHIVE ON THE TRACKS
Guys the AED machines are not an attraction, pleases stop jolting yourselves.
Offering Deep Fried Mayo Cube communion with little shot glasses of Surge™ for any religious families at the park today.
Lost & Found is now just called “Found.” We don’t have the budget to care about the “Lost” part anymore.
To be fair, they are doing a pretty good job with upselling.
They are claiming squatters rights. Not sure who taught them that.
The good news: We finally got rid of the raccoons in the food court.
The bad news: They moved to the souvenir shop.
We consider ourselves a pretty progressive place, but for the love of god that is NOT what our Hump Day parade is meant to be.
Hope it falls on your head while you sleep.
Whoever stole the name plate from our rollercoaster but replaced it with “Ow My Spleen,” touché, but please return.
Want to test out a new “fast pass” idea…
How many of you would watch a 1min ad to skip to the front of the line?
We paid a guy $5 on Fiver to develop the AI.
If magnets get too close to the coaster it may interfere with the breaks. We’re not saying don’t, just excluding ourselves from any legal repercussions.
Legal has asked us to clarify a few things…
We said no.
INTRODUCING: Wonder Willy. Our new AI Customer Service Robot. Want to make the most of your stay at Wonder Park? Take advantage of our Willy.
Oscars Award winner for “Best Safety Violation”
We’d like to thank the Academy. What an honor.
Monday Meal Deal: Deep Fried Mayo Cubes, a medium “Drink” and a coupon for 10% off your next emergency. $12.99.
SUNDAY FUNDAY: Some bolts from the roller coaster fell into the pond. We don’t want to go in there cause, uh, no reason. Anyone who recovers the most bolts gets a free Deep Fried Mayo Cube subscription discount.
Sure you can have your bag of buttons back. We have enough.
Someone put one of our roller coasters on FB Marketplace. It is NOT for sale, please stop trying to buy it.
WEEKEND SPECIAL: Guess That Smell. Walk through the park, identify as many distinct odors as possible. Winner gets a BOGO bathroom pass and our sincere respect.
