Developing… too soon to say

Just invented a new type of situation

(Dapping up my formless buddy) Looking boundless my g

Food is too good nowadays. Most food should be bad, or at least boring

woman: hi
man: hi
Borl the Bone Eater: bones

Told my toddler to give me all the broken Cheerios she refuses to eat, and now she thinks I’m some kind of freak who LIKES broken Cheerios

do not “touch base” with me you fucking pervert

Henry these zoomers can’t know we were born in 1994

I just want to be respected and admired without doing anything important

tried to say “that sucks,” but my brain insisted on “that stinks,”, and so somehow what came out was “that’s sex”

Burn it all down! Smash your phone and be free. But first, please like and share this important message

"Moon is still there," reports NASA

Being hot in the 19th century meant you got a lot of free horse rides

Lived in the building directly south of that fire station for 2 years. It was OK

Who cares, pal? An all-embracing universe of love and compassion, that’s who

Mind if I snuffle around in the dirt outside your window tonight for nutrients?

Danger is getting way too risky nowadays

(eating a pill i found on the floor of the club bathroom) hope it's a placebo. i don't need any effects right now

Doggy bags are for cowards. Just eat everything and feel like shit afterwards

As delightful as it is to find a coterie of woodland animals in your kitchen making breakfast, the chipmunk is in over his head with flipping pancakes

We’re only one step away from a second step, and potentially even a third. Makes you think

if I was president I’d call my wars “operation midnight bagel” or “operation sausage mcgriddle“

Folding myself into a flat, smooth rectangle for easy storage

got in the car and apple bottom jeans was playing on the radio. "you're listening to 93.3 FM, millennial retirement home radio"

Everybody has a plan until they get gently kissed on the forehead

dirigible that looks like a bigass bumblebee; good night

You gotta fight for your right to sit quietly doing nothing

To say that i 'know how to use the toilet' implies that I theres nothing more I can learn, which I reject

Telling my enemies to fuck off and my friends to fuck on

Wife says my dance moves are “too whimsical”