July 2025
To:
The Executive Office of the President
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C., USA
Subject: Your Most Recent Tariff Missive(s)
Dear White House Strategists,
Sitting on eggs continuously for 54 days in minus 20 degrees is, frankly, easier than trying to make sense of your current tariff strategy. We've checked our calendars thrice-are we on Day 90 or 105 of this economic stand-off? We'd request clarification, but we're reasonably sure you'd sanction that too.
We're loathe to admit it, but on this matter we find ourselves in rare agreement with Brazil's President Lula: the world does not, in fact, require an emperor. Least of all one perched precariously atop a melting economy, dictating terms to islands most Americans couldn't point to on a globe even if bribed with krill.
Before these tariffs, our contact with humanity was limited to the occasional sunburnt glaciologist and a few UN observers who came mostly for the penguin chorus. Now, thanks to your trade aggression, we've acquired:
- Three fully operational F/A-18 Hornets (painted in icy matte, thank you for asking),
- The enthusiastic backing of several thousand confused yet passionate humans,
- A Press Secretary with a debilitating anxiety disorder (Miss Penguline Levity, whom we advise you not to email directly),
- And a waitlist of 47,000 immigration requests, 312 of which are from your own diplomatic staff.
This escalation has turned our quiet, flightless republic into an accidental geopolitical flashpoint. We are, as you might imagine, irritated. Not furious-just frostily disappointed.
Let us be clear: Heard Island has no intention of becoming a player in your drama. We are content to govern our guano-covered rocks with dignity, sovereignty, and minimal Wi-Fi. If this is difficult for you to accept, we recommend a long walk on thin ice.
Response sent to the White House. Summary: The planet doesnβt need an emperor dictating trade. Mainland Antarctica already has millions of Emperors, and even their droppings do more good than the White Houseβs globally destabilizing policies.
In other words, go take a long hike on thin ice.