I wonder if Instacart shoppers see a note on my account: “This bitch always watching Star Trek.”

Hey everybody! I am taking the helm of this classic American institution with @theonion.com and want to know what you fine folks would like to see from us.

Orange fluffy cat inside my car.

I have to go to work and this is not my cat.

He must have been passed out the thirty previous times a member of this administration drew the spotlight.

THIS HIPPO

ISN'T

PLAYING

GAMES

Shit-eating grin personified.

We all have days like this

OH. MY. GOD.

Eight children. There are so many citations in this story of times when he actually misused a gun and acted violently. If we can’t keep guns away from people with a history of gun abuse and mental instability, who is safe? This is a travesty our system designed.

It’s just all Las Vegas now.

I wonder if his voice is less shrill when he unbuttons that compression suit.

He clearly doesn’t feel compelled to even ape impartiality, given his recent statements about staying on the bench to punish Democrats. I know we’re all eagerly awaiting THAT DAY, but there’s another day that would also be very welcome.

“We have full custody of the ship and are seeing what’s on board!” said the pirate.

Civil rights chief, eh?

14-year-old Melanie Doggett running 11.01 100m (NWI)! 🤯

I have heard exactly one person in my entire life use that phrase, and it was, guess who, Andy Beshear

Not how faith works but okay.

I love them.

Today is the 251st anniversary of Paul Revere's midnight ride to warn the Minutemen of approaching British troops.

I want to take a moment to share an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence's grievances against King George III.

Remind you of anyone?

I have a king size and a 22-lb Shiba. And I still sleep on a sliver at the edge. The ground was ceded. There’s no going back.

Italy passed a law that allows up to 3 days off to care for ill pets.

This is fucked up.

These people should be in the U.S.

I don't care if they used legal means.

People don't emigrate and immigrate illegally unless it's better than whatever they came from.

Sending them to a 3rd country they have NEVER BEEN TO that is halfway across the damn wolrd...FUCK THE GOP

We did a lot of reading on the Just War Doctrine when we were making "The Good Place." tl;dr "I want that oil" is not one of the justifications

And now “just war doctrine” is more on point than the actual Constitution?

Isn’t a schismatic automatically excommunicated?

I’m glad Swalwell was run out of town, but the hypocrisy of FOX News airing non-stop coverage of his victims’ terrible accounts as if they have ever cared when women were harmed by men in power is bracing.

a screenshot of the "New Bestsellers" list from Substack, with Andrew Tate in the #1 position

Hey, look at Substack promoting Andrew Tate as the #1 new bestseller. The company's amoral leadership & backers will platform anyone, even ludicrously toxic rapists & human traffickers.

Jesus, I see what you’ve done for Hungary, and I want that for me.

Perhaps Magyar's most important promise, and the one that certainly resonates with voters: "never again a country without consequences!"

The crowd chants: "To prison! To prison!" [with the corrupt officials of the outgoing government]

how much money does the marine corps lose