wow I love logging into websites that work

First day as a new marketing exec at Disney! Gonna pitch a Gadsden Flag-style shirt with a picture of Kaa that says, "Please tread on me."

*Checks phone* Wow, I've never been "pre-emptively fired" before

Tried to put on my headphones, but they literally snapped in half when I grabbed them

Rather than acknowledge that this is what I get for buying $12 headphones, I'm gonna boast about how strong all the masturbation has made my hand

wow I love logging into websites that work

With the current political climate, thinking of rebranding as a 56-year-old bald guy with a sunglasses pic as my avatar who spends 14 hours a day commenting "hello baby" under women's posts on twitter

Porn is so awesome, I wish clowns were real

Porn is so awesome, I wish boobs were real

I can't be sexy cause every time I see a pretty girl I make the exact same "GUH!" noise that Salem from the old Sabrina the Teenage Witch sitcom makes

It was nice of Euphoria to give Gen Z their own version of 50 Shades of Gray to argue about on the internet endlessly

Going on strike against my own brain! Not only have I only been sleeping for about 4 hours at a time max for months, but I keep having dreams in those precious few hours where I'm playing golf, and not even particularly well! 😡

Sooo made the right decision there waiting until the end considering what the internet's been like for the last two days lmaooooooooo

That's what I look like whenever I have the New Post box up and forget what I was going to type

Instant loss where instead of spirals your eyes cycle between I
I I
I I
I _

Call me an ambulance the way I've got Sirens topping me

Call me an ambulance the way people avoid me when I get too loud

Call me an ambulance the way people come quickly inside me

Call me an ambulance, I've been having a manic episode for like three months, as this post is a good indication

You would not believe your eyes
If 10000000 fireflies
Turned into a giant spiral of fireflies and brainwashed you for the Firefly Queen

"Consent is key" she says, as she turns the key in my back that toggles my desire for consent to the "off" position

Damn, didn't know any Nazbol trans women had managed to escape the captivity of Tumblr!

It was an insta-block, but a confused one

Just got followed by a cis girl who had a lot of opinions on "biological women", how the fuck did you take in my account and think that was some shit I agreed with and why the hell do I have several mutuals with her lmaoooo

Asking a girl to step on me and insisting it's not a sex thing, then watching the recoil in horror when she does and every bone and joint in my body pops and cracks at the same time

(I do cum after that but it's still not a sex thing)

"Deep and long" both describes the type of belly buttons I like to stare at and the way that I like to stare at them

You can't have TDOV and asexuality day this close together, I'm being perceived far too much for my own liking this week

Trying to make small talk at the hypnosis re-education building, but it turns out they made "workin' hard or hardly workin'?" a trigger to start beating the shit out of you 😒

Hard to decide isn't it ?!

Should you follow my foot~
Or the metronome~

Dont overthink it 💋
Just stare, listen and repeat~
You will decide sooner or later~ 💕

Oh yeah, you get deeper into canon you find about 150000 other things that just bolster it all

You've got Jedi mind tricks, the entire concept of the Dark Side of the force corrupting the mind, and a universe with all sorts of wacky tech

Where's a droid with a Sith Holocron inside that harnesses Dark Side energy to brainwash Jedi, huh? HUH?

Star Wars as a franchise in general should be like 5000x more hypnohorny than it is and it's funny that after 50 years it still has almost nothing while MC plots have been shoved into, like, every other piece of media ever, including ones that don't have anywhere near the same set-up for it

a close up of a cartoon character with glowing eyes and a skull on his shoulder . Alt: Hades from the Disney version of Hercules looks back and forth after telling a bad joke

Does the fact you're not getting nailed make you

cross

Happy easter

Never forget that Jesus was a foot guy

*adds "potential in the future for hypno alien porn from the 4th Dimension" to my list of reasons to live*