With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.
We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.
Please stand by for more.
Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing in the street outside as they were pursued and then destroyed by a nameless malevolent force, something neither I nor anyone else could control, a great darkness that was, somehow, all my fault. Today, that childhood dream is finally coming true. Today I can finally say the sweetest nine or 10 words in the English language: Global Tetrahedron has completed its plan to control InfoWars.com. I’ve had a lot of time to think about InfoWars in the last year and a half. As the seasons have changed, my ambitions for the project have grown grander, crueler, better aligned with market data. Come, friends, and imagine with me…
Imagine a roaring arena packed to the rafters with pathological liars. High above you in the nosebleeds are podcasters, screaming that you’ll die if you don’t buy their skincare products. Below, on the floor, imagine demonic battalions of super-influencers physically forcing people into home fitness devices designed to dismantle their bodies bone by bone and reassemble them into a grotesque statue of yourself. Out of the throngs, an extremely sick looking man approaches you. He puts his hands on your shoulders. He explains that he is your life coach and that you owe him $800. Such is the InfoWars I envision: An infinite virtual surface teeming with ads. Not just ads, but scams! Not just scams, but lies with no object, free radical misinformation, sentences and images so poorly thought out that they are unhealthy even to view for just a few seconds. The InfoWars of old was only the prototype for the hell I know we can build together: A digital platform where, every day, visitors sacrifice themselves at altars of delusion and misery, their minds fully disintegrating on contact.
With this new InfoWars, we will democratize psychological torture, welcoming brutal and sadistic ideas from everyone, even the very stupidest among us. It will be like the Manhattan Project, only instead of a bomb, we will be building a website. The InfoWars of tomorrow will converge into a swirling vortex of content about content, talent acquiring talent, rings of concentric media mergers processing all human artistry into one endlessly digestible slurry. This will be a dank, sunless place, one where panic and capital feed on each other like twins in the womb of a hulking, unknowable monster—a monster known by many names, but which I like to call modern-day America. All of this is to say that I believe in us. I believe that with the new InfoWars, we can alchemize the pioneering spirit of amateur inquiry, the profit-maximizing drive of corporations, and the cold mental clarity that comes only with disciplined daily ingestion of mind- and body-altering chemicals. If we can do that, what other great things can we do together?
I don’t yet know, but I’m excited to find out. Welcome home, warriors. The future belongs to us. We’re writing the story now. It’s going to be a long one, and it’s going to be a bad one. So settle in. Make yourself comfortable. Buy a tote bag. Nothing can stop us now that we’re in charge of a website. Infinite Growth Forever, Bryce Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron
We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...
At Long Last, InfoWars Is Ours By Bryce P. Tetraeder, CEO, Global Tetrahedron
We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...
I wrote this skeet as a hypothetical and then 24 hours later 🫠
I'm not joking when I say mRNA technology is more important than "AI" and it's a tragedy we're throwing billions into one while our government is aggressively defunding the other.
beautiful
Newsrooms should not block the Internet Archive. Any public service publisher should not block the Internet Archive. If anything, we should all be directly supporting the Internet Archive.
Reason number 6,826,772 you should Stand Up for Science: the people who benefit from privatization and destruction of science are the Thiels of the world. And they are the only ones who benefit.
@standupforscience.net
www.thenation.com/article/soci...
Barrera said her husband said the smell of human feces in the toilet caused a fellow detainee to vomit and, in turn, created a chain of people vomiting. She said her husband is asthmatic and has not received medication to treat his condition. The lack of medicine and the stress of the overcrowded holding cell has left him short of breath and teetering on the edge of an asthma attack, Barrera said. ICE did not immediately respond to questions on April 10 about the conditions of the Mesa or Phoenix facilities. After the publication of this article, Barrera told The Arizona Republic her husband was transferred to the ICE facility at San Luis Regional Detention Center at about midnight. The San Luis Regional Detention Center is in Southwestern Arizona and has the capacity to hold 700 people.
This is horrific. A U.S. citizen describes the facility in Arizona that her husband was brought to while he waited to be put on a deportation flight. Dozens of people were crammed into tiny cells, there was a "chain of people vomiting" from filthy toilets, no medical care, and only one meal per day.
SUPPORT THESE DATA CENTERS SCHOOLS LIBRARIES BOOKSTORES
The destruction of Gaza is so total that it changed the nature of echo in the ruinscape, and gunshot sounds are now easy to trace because nothing ricochets off walls www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v4...
It's also immoral! Never mind the electoral aspects - what exactly is the party *for*
My god. Essential, horrifying reporting here.
It says a lot about the state of humanity that we didn't all dress up in ape costumes for the return of Artemis II.
A historic black-and-white photograph shows a large crowd gathered outside a wooden building with a sign that reads "Freedmen's School".
#ActsofScience: 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 - #CitizenScienceMonth with @scistarter.bsky.social
Dive into the Freedmen’s Bureau papers and help make these historical records accessible.
👉 Sign up:
https://pages.scistarter.org/connected/
💡 Report:
citizensciencemonth.org/report-actsofscience-fro...
Last year, Dr. Ezequiel Véliz was named 2025 Resident of the Year at UT Health, Rio Grande Valley.
Last week, ICE detained him in McAllen, Texas—ripping him away from his family, his life, and his patients.
A starfield filled with thousands of stars and shining clouds of dust. The Milky Way\u2019s elegant spiral structure is dominated by just two arms wrapping off the ends of a central bar of stars. Spanning more than 100,000 light-years, Earth is located along one of the galaxy\u2019s spiral arms, about halfway from the center. Credit: NASA
OH. MY. GOD.
THIS IS THE MILKY WAY SHOT BY THE ARTEMIS II CREW. LOOK AT ALL THOSE STARS!!!!
a mass of green anemones mostly closed and red sea stars
there's still so much fecundity and enduring beauty in the nonhuman world. let's preserve and treasure it.
Trump v. United States and the Citizens United decisions of this SCOTUS will go down in history with Dred Scott as among the court's worst. They may seem removed from where we are today...but they are not.
Viral photo from some years back of a man nonchalantly mowing his yard with a tornado on the horizon .
How it feels doing literally any task right now.
Georgia Voter: It's giving war crime. You can't do that. We don't just annihilate people because we can and, you know, make a grab for the money and the oil. And that's what we've done in Venezuela. And that's what we're doing in Iran.
Our home is so beautiful and small and precious 🥺 (2/2)
As a journalist, I find the mere fact that this insipid event is happening this year to be several steps beyond disqualifying. You’re watchdogs, not lapdogs. Have some damn integrity.
Sidney Crosby has been averaging a point per game in the NHL since I was 15 years old and in 10th grade.
I've now been married for nearly 10 years, have a kid, am balding and have covered Crosby for 14 seasons.
Image from Twitter
King of Consistency 👑
With his 70th point, Sidney Crosby, who can play in a maximum of 70 games this season, has clinched his NHL-record 21st-consecutive point-per-game season.
Players with 21 point-per-game seasons: Sidney Crosby.
End of list.
Quote Tweet: https://twitter.com/i/status/2040568849712513281
Evgeni Malkin: "I almost cried a little bit, you know?! It’s huge for me. I (last) scored a hat trick a long time ago, I don’t remember when. Again, it’s lots of emotion. And I want to say thank you. Thank you for the support for myself, (the) team. It’s crazy." 🥹
"show me your budget, and I'll tell you what you value" stays winning. Entering an unnecessary and unprovoked war and paying for it by cutting people's health care has to be one of the worst implicit statements of priorities in memory
Men stopped women from gaining knowledge, choices, income and independence, and painted them as stupid, so that they could make women their servants. I hope men today realise this.
