“Hearing about how the government I helped elect is destroying lives is ruining my evenings, why can’t the news be more positive?” is how we got here.

Exceptionalism Through Sustained Mediocrity: A Memoir

The horror

I get Venezuela, but why did we invade Minnesota?

I think the reason people like it is because it gets them high

Good morning America, what have you done? We chased away new to replace it with old. We gave away virtue and replaced it with gold. So what is it that we have won?

Now that the news is just “here’s a video we found online” I feel like I could be a solid anchor.

We gone do what they say can’t be done!

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin!

America, now with 100% more war crimes!

Think of how fast we will get to the mid-credit scenes at the end of movies when the credits are just “made with AI.”

I wake up, I go to work. Thank you for reading my autobiography.

For some reason I feel compelled to talk to my children as if I believe the world is, or could be, a good place. This flies in the face of all evidence to the contrary. But deep down I know. If I don’t leave them some money they’re probably fucked.

The horror.

Could be worse, it could have been 6 9.

Nothing more authentically America than being an asshole for no reason at all.

Going to Halloween as exhaustion this year.

They took the wrong doorknob out of the White House.

Game translator just made you’re not the boss of me into you’re not my direct supervisor and that’s my new phrase.

Raise a glass to sobriety!

As husbands go I am still acceptable.

A lot of summer packed in there

Finally grew a watermelon in Montana.

The Phillies getting swept by the Dodgers after the season they had will hit hard. You know, if you like the Phillies.

“Anti people now you’ve gone too far, here’s your antichrist superstar.”

- Nostradamus, I mean Marilyn Manson

Fed the chickens wings today. That’s how you turn a chicken back into an egg.

If you’re living right your middle finger probably stays up these days.

AI actors means everything will be a cartoon soon enough.

Surely they have this right to discriminate. SCOTUS has told us that is a basic human right, emblazoned in the constitution. It’s right there next to the line about being free to be a dick.

Sorry, can’t right now, busy being incredulous.