one of my least favorite genres of old people are the ones that let their phone ring at full volume until their voicemail gets it

people who do autobody repair annoyed that the name "dentist" was already taken

Fuck it we bawl

Tom Cruise movies are so unrealistic. You never see him struggling to reach something on a high shelf.

All pants are sweatpants if you try hard enough.

why do people say 'pun not intended' and not punintentional

[Phone chimes]

Wife: who's that?

Me: (hiding promo push notification from McDonald's) just a friend

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

In the next episode we delve into all the times I've replied "you too" when inappropriate (most recently to a cyclist who told me, "have a nice run". You too, person on a bike!)

they're making a biopic that compiles all the times i've said "good, and you?" in response to "good, and you?"

Wall Street Journal headline: "Alan Dershowitz: Why I'm Becoming a Republican"

Higher acceptance of sex crimes, same reason as everyone else who announces this

BILLIONAIRE: Are you sure this is Silicon Valley's new AI-powered jumbo cigar clipper?

ME: Yep. Just put your head through that hole.

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Just finished a 100mg bag of virgin edibles (Haribo gummy bears)

I tried manifesting feeling younger and woke up with a zit on my nose. Fml

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?

ME: Have you?

DENTIST: (sweating) THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!

why don’t cartons of detergent have pictures of missing socks on them

me: jesus said you have to forgive your debtors

bank manager: no

me: I’m calling the pope

so anyway my partner and i were working this case, and interviewing a suspect at the scene, when up pulls this courier truck and the driver hands me a box. and you would not believe what was in the box.

Matthew McConaughey voice: “I think this is a good opportunity to take my shirt off”

Me when the Lord giveth: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!

Me when the Lord taketh away: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

[korn] FUCK ALL THIS JEFF!!!!

stealing the pie you left to cool on your windowsill because I’m a rascal

ballet dancer dramatically breaking free from chains

how it feels ignoring google maps directions

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

A screenshot of a text from Amazon. Amazon: Your package was delivered! (attached is a picture of a box with a piece of paper that reads DO NOT GO OUTSIDE) The receiver sends a question mark as a response. Amazon sends another picture with the same piece of paper on the box, but the words are covered in blood along with the message "JUST KIDDING :)" in blood.

alright

Asked my therapist if I could read his notes from our last session and it was just a drawing of my face with a line through it

50 bucks on the kid

They're sending JD Vance to negotiate with a toddler who doesn't want to go to bed

That or the beloved classic "repeatedly harassed women"