Now that I know theres a feral slutty bisexual man running around my brain who has been writing my fanfiction with me... I *do* fear what he'll write next,,,, 😭😭

He doesnt have the same shy fears as me. Which means things I wouldve talked myself out of writing before... he will write happily! 😭😭😭

For clarity's sake the last therapist knew nothing abt dissociation n was like knee jerking trying to tell me everything was Normal and Everyone Experiences That 😭 The new one specializes in dissociative disorders & adhd/autism and how they all interact, so im right at home 😋

I leave every session a bit emotional and at peace and with the increased comfortablity of referring to myself as "we". Though that's been oddly natural anyway, it just makes me feel less afraid overall ig. We've got enough self doubt already, we didnt need our last therapist's doubts/denial too 🥹

I switched therapists after finding out i was a system/plural and the new therapist is honestly helping sm by just like. Being so normal/encouraging/understanding abt everything. Its such a relief to Actually be able to tell her everything I want to about it & not feel worried she doesnt believe me

Has anyone considered petting me while encouraging me to write? This may work.

Yeah sadly these are stinky bots 😩😩 im sorry i hate when they do this, its rly frustrating. I honestly dont get the point of ppl doing this on a hobbyist website where u cant even get paid. Like leave us alone!! 😭😭💔💔

This number is not active and i WILL bite u all dpwm. Stop interrupting my music stinkers!!!

I accidentally picked up ONE spam caller last week and now a bunch of diff numbers wont stop calling me like FREE ME!!!!

Why is there toxic enemies to lovers yaoi taking place IN MY actual brain like why are Literal parts of me going down the "you wanna f*ck me so bad it makes u look stupid" route with each other and why do *i* have to blush about it.

HELPPPPPP 😭😭 aint this the way. Seems like thats just what its Meant to be i fear.... and editing honestly is nice. Writing Sucks. 😭😭 also real abt getting embarrassed cause i do too depending on the day/topic 😩😩 esp if its been a long time since i described it.... 20k is rly good btw!!! Sounds fun🥺

Noooo 😭😭 maybe talking abt it could help? I'm curious what ur working on n would be happy to hear abt it if u'd like!!! But sometimes it rly does seem to flee for good... 😩

I DO hope i stop when i get there tho but its not rly like ive been choosing to lose it, ive just altered my eating habits due to my health conditions, been more active, and developed portion control thanks to meds. 😭😭 past xy who was trying So Hard would be so annoyed to find this out.😭

Ok honestly it is surprising hm weight ive lost these past like 8mos and how im now mere pounds away from my decade long Default Weight like. That Does look like the me i rmbr in the mirror i fear... why am i coming back. What happened to my himbo dilf era....

Just looked in the mirror and if i start doing squats its over for everyone. Be aware.

Oh no!!! 😭😭 thats so tragic... i hope u can rmbr it

I go from content aroace to yearnings final boss and it is NOT fair 🙄😒

Everyday i must grapple with the fact i am so gay 💔

How did i forget shoulder pain and tightness. If your shoulders are constantly up to your ears and u cant relax them.... BE SUSPICIOUS!!!

FACIAL PRESSURE TOO and a clenched jaw... constant dissociation... end of day mega fatigue.....

From last week to now i feel so different and so much less grumpy/overwhelmed/sludgy just from the fact i can SEE properly and am not dedicating 80% of my brainpower to seeing the world Straight 😩😩

My biggest symptoms were neck pain headaches eye fatigue tilting my head closing one eye walking Weird standing Weird drifting to one side anxiety car sickness motion sickness sitting Weird light sensitivity heat sensitivity BRAIN FOG like pls look at your eyes alignment.... they could be cooking u

My PSA is that if u have adhd and have a bunch of random pains and symptoms still affecting ur QoL pls looking into BVD and prism glasses even if u already have glasses. Eye doctors do not normally check for this in routine exams so it WILL be missed and my prism have alr helped me sm...

And it was always day of as well. Like surely u shouldnt have to last minute inform me of changes This many times in a row.... 😩 i dont feel like thats normal...

I mentioned to new therapist id like same day/same slot every week so i hope its possible!!

I liked my last therapist but it felt like i was an afterthought who was Literally getting rescheduled/delayed/arrived late to every single time like pls!!! im serious abt this and Want to come!!!

....I dont think we ever had 4 appointments in one month 😭

Switch therapists and am so excited knowing my therapy appt will Actually be the day we scheduled it for and its *only* 7d after my last appt 😭😭 yay consistency!!

Me: Well rounded characterization is when sometimes hes one way and sometimes hes COMPLETELY DIFFERENT yet still retains the essence of Him at his core and it makes complete sense bc sometimes *im* completely different too, especially when im in a certain headspace-

More embarrassingly is the newfound knowledge that my 180 degree personality swaps mid-smut are likely not what others experience, and what was realistic and steamy to me was a (welcomed) surprise for others. In my defense,,,,,

i had no idea 😝 i thought we ALL just Changed Completely sometimes! 🫣

I will miss the confused posts I would make cyclically all the time nonstop about how i felt like x but also y and couldnt understand how this could be..... but we had to find out eventually. Now that we are aware, we will simply talk about.... boring things. Like... uh.... the weather.

Life just kinda makes more sense when u realize its possible to be like 15 wounded puppies in a human-shaped trench coat.

However, it Also becomes more embarrassing to read your own writing, as u find out those same puppies have been running across the pages all along.

Horrible things befall us all at a particularly unsustainable rate, and yet still I find myself smiling and laughing and taking joy in the smallest of pleasures.

Certainly, there has always been an Upside to the gloom. Even if it cannot always be readily seen

How fortunate we are to exist on a planet where there are people and things worth caring about. Though the days are long and the times uncertain, amidst it all *Are* the diamonds in the rough - the things worth living and fighting for. And for that I will wake up with gratefulness in my heart.