just realized one of the reasons I always have a package on its way from across the world
is to have a concrete reason to not ___ ‘cause I need to pay the taxes for it

people have an idea of me that is far from reality
however, it’s such a lovely image it makes me want to live up to that somehow

hope is actually a terrible thing to hold on to when all you know is frustration

happiness in life is an anomaly

putting everything I own away maybe isn’t a good sign

I knew that pretending nothing was happening and everything was fine wasn’t a good idea, it never is, but I didn’t imagine I’d be this destroyed inside….

in the end simply giving you best is never enough

preparing myself mentally to enter a sad sad week

convincing myself daily that I should not end it all

everytime I put effort in something and do my best it never goes right I keep failing at everything

already extremely anxious so might as well keep adding more reasons to be feeling that way

at which point did my online life became the real one and the real one just something I do to pass time when there’s nothing going on online… it’s worrisome

I rarely dream, but when I do it’s always nightmares that prove my negative beliefs

I think. I spent way too much energy into the gacha stickers and now I feel exhausted to do anything which is leading to an extended depression episode which is not nice

so upset about so many things that I’m not sure how much more I can lie to myself that everything is fine

I’ll either get my life together one day or just die, simple like that

when things start to go wrong is one after another after another after another

I really wish I had any real self esteem

lying to myself that I’m not upset about not going to london but making myself depressed because it’s my own fault for wasting a whole year of this useless existence of mine

feeling a big urge to give away everything I own not in a good way

hate myself hate my brain hate everything

ああああああああああっっ

every day is a battle between my rational I wont try to kms again brain vs everything else and it’s tiring

knowing you make no difference but still feeling upset when in a situation you realize you make no difference

it’s amazing how some days you feel like life is worth it and then suddenly
it isn’t anymore

I hate my own existence so much

I’m being a bit dramatic skdjsjs but like you said! it’s hard to sell ideas that aren’t immediately recognized as something previously validated as being good. and it’s discouraging when that then translates into the belief I’ll never be good enough which quickly turns into “what’s even the point”🥲

the drawings I do that get more interactions and praise are always the ones closer to some sort of realism of copying photos, and while I’m thankful because it indicates I’m improving as intended with all the studies I’ve been doing, it also confirms how the things I actually create are worthless

pretending everything is fine is tiring but dealing with the aftermath of letting all out would probably be even worse