A kernel of quinoa just fell out of my beard

Busuu AI conversation: Quale carne desidera? Abbiamo vitello, pollo, manzo, agnello e bistecca. * Non mangio vitello. Avete il maiale? Avete il maiale? Per favore, niente linguaggio offensivo. Continuiamo!

Does anyone speak Italian here?? What offensive thing did I say to the language-learning AI? Have I unknowingly sexually harassed the AI cameriere (or is it just wrong again like it’s wrong about everything)?

“You’re not in trouble, but…” I would lose my shit if a grown adult said that to me, another grown adult.

My niece missed their flight once and called me at 4:00 am to pick them up from the airport. Absolutely evil

Joke's on him, though; I knew about this as soon as it happened.

Email from my father: FTI (N.b. I assume he means FYI) Will Anderson Jr. will be the highest-paid non-quarterback ever in the NFL after he agreed to a 3-year, $150 million extension with the Texans.

My dad sent me this message about Will Anderson's contract extension to my work email. It is a matter of professional import that I know how much my boy is getting paid ASAP.

Text from Graham Greene’s “The Power and the Glory”: 'Oh yes, yes. I'll be off.' But he didn't stir: it was the child who came to him. She stood in the doorway watching them with a look of immense responsibility. Before her serious gaze they became a boy you couldn't trust and a ghost you could almost puff away, a piece of frightened air. She was very young - about thirteen - and at that age you are not afraid of many things, age and death, all the things which may turn up, snake-bite and fever and rats and a bad smell. Life hadn't got at her yet; she had a false air of impregnability. But she had been reduced already, as it were, to the smallest terms - everything was there but on the thinnest lines. That was what the sun did to a child, reduced it to a framework. The gold bangle on the bony wrist was like a padlock on a canvas door which a fist could break. She said, 'I told the policeman you were home." old dad?' 'Oh yes, yes,' Captain Fellows said. 'Got a kiss for your She came solemnly across the room and kissed him formally upon the forehead - he could feel the lack of meaning. She had other things to think about. She said, I told cook that Mother wai

Is this what the British think? Is this why they are the way that they are?

I’m thrilled to announce that I’m going to bed

Starting to feel like the writers have run out of ideas. You really expect me to believe Sam Darnold won a Super Bowl? Should’ve ended after Super Bowl LIX.

This isn’t my writing genre because I’m not a Russian from the 19th century, but that *is* my academic genre, and people are shocked I’ve never read War and Peace and have no plans to do so

Had the exact same experience down to peacing out at Tom Bombadil. Weird because I loved The Hobbit. I’ve always wanted to give it another try as a (much more patient) adult

You know the more I think about it, it’s actually more dangerous to treat nerds like they’re special than it is to treat jocks like they’re special. Glorify a jock, you just get a dummy like Aaron Rodgers. Glorify a nerd, you get Elon Musk.

Why do we treat people like they’re geniuses for being really good at chess? I’m really good at thumb wars and no one ever treats me like a genius.

Honestly I thought the trad Cath converts were just a weird internet/groyper phenomenon, but my 84-year-old aunt has been bitching about them showing up at her tiny abbey church, being assholes and trying to demand they do the mass in Latin

Since the Church is obsessed with hierarchy, I feel that I should have the right to excommunicate at least one adult convert, over whom I have seniority as a cradle Catholic.

Exact same here (except I’m not Filipino). I really hope it gets under Vance’s skin

This is what gets Andre 3000 out of retirement?

Why are we naming space missions after gods no one even worships anymore? Where is Spaceship Vishnu? Lunar Lander Muhammad? A Rocket Called Jesus?

For the love of god, please do not wish me a happy trans day of visibility.

Or maybe they just get moved out of Florida and forced to play in… well, actually, there’s not really anywhere worse than Jacksonville.

Maybe this was their play all along.

Unfortunately, I think we’re going to find out that a lot of people in the NFL also want the Rooney Rule gone, but god I hope this turns into a pissing contest so bad the Jags are banned from football.

And the Dolphins and Bucs, too, I guess, but I mostly care about the Jags.

I love my man Joe and all, but I don’t understand how this is possible unless everyone polled was a 35-year-old married father of three from the Baltimore suburbs hoping to prove something to his wife.

I don’t care about magic; I just want weird worlds where no one has a smartphone

I’m on my third alleged fantasy plot idea where I’ve realized halfway through outlining that there is no magic involved in any way and thus, apparently, nothing to identify it as fantasy to readers and editors

Who is this Baratheon and why is he so hot? Like a sleazy Oscar Isaac

Ban authors from narrating their own audiobooks.

Joe Burrow and Max Scherzer? This is what fantasy sports should be.

I’m not mad about Walker winning—he’s had an amazing postseason and looked great tonight. But we all know why Seattle was here in the first place and how they won this game

Anyway this just further proves that defense is undervalued even when it’s winning championships

Y’all mad we didn’t get a kicker or punter MVP but they should’ve found a way to give it to the whole defense.