You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.

They say to beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. But I tend to avoid wolves in general and I’d be particularly wary of them wearing ANY type of clothing.

I'm actally pretty cool once you get past all the uncoolness

The housing market is so crazy, I can only afford to buy the haunted and poltergeisted houses.

Signing off all work emails with… I challenge you to a duel, just to see who reads them.

Be the shutting the fuck up you want to hear in the world.

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.

Life is short…tell more people to fuck off.

This day in history. 1925. German serial killer Friedrich Heinrich Karl "Fritz" Haarmann was executed by guillotine. You may know him as the Butcher of Hanover, or the Vampire of Hanover, or the Wolf Man of Hanover, or the Godfather of Funk but why are you doing that?

HR: Linda said you “booped” her nose?

Me: I was trying to mute her.

Try to only panic about one thing at a time.

The sign at my local gas station now just reads “Market Price”

me: ever heard of quasimodo? hemingway? pavlov? donne?

wife: please don’t

me: they don’t ring any bells?

wife: my mother was right

Running into a bank screaming bankruptcy isn’t the financial equivalent of diplomatic immunity. Now I know.

My stripper name is Sticky Cheeto Fingers.

I have a flat stomach when I lie down.
Yet another reason to never get out of bed.

no one talks about love potions 1-8 bc everyone who used them is dead

I like my shepherd’s pie made with genuine shepherd.

We have a surplus of unbearable humans, yet a shortage of them getting flat tires in front of blood-soaked asylums. I’m just saying, if a maniacal Victorian axe-wielding ghost wants to chase these assholes, I’m not getting out of my car.

I’ve chosen to become that asshole at work who says wheelie instead of really.

Feels good to be an outlier.

The Vealshank Ingestion.

The Sixth Sense is a movie about a man who loves his job so much that he won’t even call in sick when he’s dead.

the bag of doritos in the pantry just texted me 'you up?'

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

My divorce from reality was finalised today.

"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

what if jesus was trying to show us we could hibernate like bears

This day in history. 1996. Subhana Barzaghi became the first female zen roshi teacher in Australia. At the time she commented "Was in the dunny when I got the word and fuck yeah I was so excited I had to lay a second cable."

If you’ve lived in enough places you’ve probably accumulated handfuls of mystery keys.

Relive my life?

Not on your life.