Skip the crunch and get right to the fun part, with new Cheeto's Flamin' Hot personal wet wipes.

Unfortunately I’m the only person who ever watched that show. Every caller on Truthpoint was me wearing different wigs.

The witch stood up!

Never trust CATS:
Cats
Are
Terrible
Snitches

Also, I'm either lactating or I accidentally spilled a matcha latte on my nipples!

Great news: I'm pregnant! Well either that or I ate a really big lunch!

"Of course! And they always have been."
- Sesame Workshop CEO Sherrie Westin on whether or not Bert and Ernie are incels.

The only good rhyme I've ever come up with is "Anderson Cooper / Takes it in the pooper" #ReasonsMyRapCareerFailed

Sheesh, how can anyone afford to get their lufties croikered these days?

Sorry folks, this is what happens when my posts are too good.

Today's video games are like my penis: not hard enough.

It sickens me that instead of having sex for hedonistic pleasure, today's youths are doing it because they think it's an ironic internet meme.

Boomers fought the war on Price Club so that we could shop at Costco. #ThankYouForYourService

No spoilers but I give On Cinema's Certified Five Bags of Popcorn Tour... five bags of popcorn, and a little pair of earplugs so you don't have to listen to Dekkar. #HeyGuys #ItsMovieTime

It's amazing what we can't accomplish when we all put our heads together and decide to do nothing.

Probing my own anus to save the aliens the trouble.

Gandhi II still frame from "UHF"

Gandhi is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy. He doesn't mention the FEAR that Hindus had during Spanish Flu when they were arresting pujaris, acharyas, and everybody else, even when going outside. I like his brother Gandhi II much better than I like him, because Gandhi II is all MAGA!

Shouting and screaming “That guy’s naked!” as I look at myself in the mirror after getting out of the shower.

Yet we still continue sinking money into massive concrete freeways like the one pictured?

Many of my friends are GAYS:
Gay
Autistic
Yiffers
Seriously obsessed with trains

If I’d been on the Moon mission, I would have been like “Fuck it, we’re going to Mars!” before slamming the pedal to the metal and dying in a fiery blaze of glory. #space

*Werner Herzog voice* "Who are the Mythbusters? Adam Savage; a man who rejects his reality and substitutes his own. But he cannot reject Jamie Hyneman, nor the unresolved sexual tension between them."

You think YOU are prepared? Hah! I laugh at thee. I’m already getting started on my Christmas shopping for the year 2045.

Getting escorted out of the building after taking my pants off to show my boss that I'm hard at work.

Getting escorted out of the building after taking my pants off to show my boss that I'm hard at work.

Having a real come-to-Jesus moment where Jesus is like "hey bitch get over here."

Trying to become the manliest person alive by bathing in WD-40.

"Masters of the Universe"? Buddy, I couldn't even afford to get a Masters of the Arts!

For some reason our new office’s bathroom has a soundtrack playing in the background, which I will henceforth be referring to as “Music To Poop To.”