‘He’s very very sane,” like “I met my husband by chance,” just has the ring of truth.

All purpose

“Big, fat, hug” is going to be the thing that radicalizes me.

I do believe it was the most fun he ever had tho

I’m becoming a real George Fouracres-head.

“DoorDash Grandma” doesn’t even come close to the top ten on today’s Bleakest American Shit countdown.

Credit where it’s due: she definitely looms.

I'm about to join @jimmypardo.com on stage for The @NeverNotFunny.com 20th Anniversary Spectacular! Watch live at nevernotfunny.com #NNF20

PS oh my god

I’m sorry but this woman looks like Alfred E. Neuman.

Not the biggest thing, but when this is over, let’s not say “POTUS” anymore. It’s like calling The Replacements “The ‘Mats.” Unearned and weird.

If you ask a couple who is NOT reportedly at the center of an international sex trafficking ring how they met and the first thing one of them says is “WE MET BY CHANCE,” you are at the very least thinking “Oh, the apps.”

“I met my husband by chance” is such a wonderfully normal thing to say.

YESSSSS

Dave Holmes on Instagram: "An American story." 65 likes, 1 comments - daveholmes on April 8, 2026: "An American story.".

www.instagram.com/reel/DW5FzSO...

Can’t name a guy Blanche and expect him not to be horny.

When you need to see the dumbest possible take, there is only one place to go.

Not the point, but this guy looks like Doug.

Loves the Bible! Old Testament and New Testament equally!

Love Story finale spoiler: I’m pretty sure that at your funeral, the priest does not splish holy water all over your headshot.

These people are even corny when they’re kinky.

These people are in a Deadest Behind The Eyes pageant, and they’re all winning.

Let’s not sleep on “so soon already?”

Trump Administration Live Updates: Trump’s Signature to Be Added to U.S. Dollars, a First for a Sitting President

This is smart because cash prices are lower at gas stations so you can think of him while you trade one of these in for one seventh of a gallon of gas www.nytimes.com/live/2026/03...

Why insult Benny Johnson by suggesting he’s gay when you can just link to his YouTube show THE LEFT CAN’T MEME. Benny may or may not be gay, but he is definitely corny and his attempts to laugh make you wonder whether you will ever experience pleasure again. youtu.be/5IK4N4xtcMg?...

Hot take: No Kings is good and if you have the time and capacity, you should go to a protest on Saturday.

I think president Trump is in 4D-X, in that my neck hurts, it’s costing me money, and it frequently feels like I’m being spat on.

…for ME?!?

Dave Holmes on Instagram: "An important message" 206 likes, 17 comments - daveholmes on March 21, 2026: "An important message".

An important message. www.instagram.com/reel/DWKC04w...

Dave Grohl goes to therapy six times a week because of course he does.

You could also just go the once and focus on why you need to be doing the most in even this category.