I feel so confused abt the tension btwn making sure my blood sugar doesn’t go wild & trying to socialize which is hilarious bc I work in hospitality & 85% of my friends do too so I guess I get to just keep dosing myself 6 units at a time every few hours & hoping I fall asleep at a not death level

my new job is really cool bc it’s fun & busy & full of extremely smart capable humans & I don’t want to throw myself off a cliff at the end of every dinner service, who knew I could live this way

cool to see people talking online abt using diabetic testing supplies in their tiktok wicca blood rituals 🤮 what a kooky personality trait for people who don’t have to stab themselves repeatedly all day every day to remain alive

my insulin last month cost less than $10. my insulin this month-same prescription, same amount, same insurance-cost $145 🤬 make it make sense

I’m so grouchy today that I just vented to someone I trust not at all, need to get it together

I bought ballet shoes. I’m going back to dancing & I really hopes it helps me make peace with all the ways I feel like my body is failing me. I want to feel strong & well again so badly

got to experience my first disability discrimination event as a diabetic last night 👎🏽 a very big fuck you to the security guy at the Brooklyn Mirage who yelled at me for bringing my insulin to a concert & confiscated the fruit snacks I keep on me for low blood sugar emergencies

my brother in law ordered borscht from a Chinese food restaurant & I just…don’t know what kind of night he’s trying to have

I’ll just go die I guess

very cool that as a recently hospitalized person with a brand new autoimmune diagnosis that requires extensive daily prescriptions I can’t get in to see a necessary specialist responsible for my care until December 5th at the earliest

why does it mean so much to me that every single doctor I dealt with while in the hospital described me as ‘pleasant’ in their notes in my chart

my blood sugar was under 200 at breakfast this morning & I cried I was so relieved

I did 2 things that really scared me today & didn’t die from the anxiety, proud of me

the only good thing abt this big medical bullshit I’m going through is that anytime I don’t actually want to have a conversation it’s my squid ink, just mention being briefly hospitalized & it’s all anyone can focus on while also dying for me to change the subject & save them

I believe it was a sunburst ‘57 Stratocaster but I know nothing abt guitars

last night at the boygenius show my bf leaned over & said ‘Julien is playing a guitar I’ve wanted since I was 15 🤩’ what a beautiful birthday gift to witness my forever crush be so deeply impressed by my other forever crush

turned 34 & didn’t have to do it at the hospital, feeling way less doomed than I did on Monday

someone on the bench next to me is eating Cool Ranch Doritos & I’ve never been a huge fan but now that I know I really shouldn’t eat chips much anymore the smell alone is making me emotional (I just got discharged & it feels illegal that I’m currently outdoors)

every time someone comes to test my blood sugar (every 4-6 hours since I’ve been in the hospital) all I can think is A SINGLE DROP OF BLOOD 🩸 👌🏽

made it 18 hours before the first “that needle hurt you? with all those tattoos????” joke 🙃

thank you 💛

I’m not, but better to find out here than in Mexico I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

didn’t envision spending the beginning of my birthday week half-sleeping in a hallway in the ER, sifting through my email to cancel all the plans I made to be in Mexico by the weekend, but here we are

happy 5th birthday to my second poetry collection! still wild to me how many people connect with these weird love letters to service work & living deliciously

trying to find a hotel to stay in for my brief Halloween trip to LA & the choices are get murdered or go bankrupt 🤡

it is stupid that there was a Death Cab reference in the Billions episode I’m watching rn bc the majority of the fictional traders would have no fucking clue what’s being mentioned I mean just look at their slack faces

😍

went to see Death Cab & Postal Service on their 20 yr victory lap, unsure how I didn’t anticipate ugly sobbing for half the show

once upon a time I was so stoned I couldn’t remember Mr. Peanut’s name & insisted he was called Bean Man

I don’t care how good I am at all the dumb bullshit required of a restaurant manager, I miss bartending more than anything