Fuckin buzzed off this oatmeal creme pie.

My favorite technologies are Velcro, double entry accounting, and the TI-84+ Silver Edition.

The squeaky wheel gets amputated where I come from.

if you need me, i’ll be in my study, working on a new sandwich

I don't like doing shit but I love getting ready for it.

I'm only this confident because I know how dumb I really am.

I put commas where I just feel like it, in the moment.

Happiness is a choice but the key to happiness is making fewer choices so we're gonna push this one for now.

If you call everyone dude then you don't have to remember anyone's name, dude.

My platform is fajitas all, regardless of race, gender or socioeconomic status.

I don't chew gum because I can't handle the additional responsibility. Know your limits people.

Are there any good ground rules for cutting things off your face with fingernail clippers?

Everything is stupid.

Cigarette smoking but as a team building exercise.

The key to happiness is making fewer choices.

I will make snacks if you teach me how to dance.

Doing things is stressful so let's not do them.

It's all good dude. I didn't discover the power of oxyclean until like 2023.

Suing the news for giving me anxiety

I got in the shower. A large spider jumped in. I got out, toweled off, and walked away. This is called Nope Not One More Thing

Humor and playfulness are always sexy

hold on, i need to be five years old finding out it's parachute day in gym class for a minute

My preferred method of communication is smoke signal.

I just told my gf about the time I raised orphan baby possums. Not everyone has their own possum story.

Having a crisis because I need more pens but don't have one to write it down on this post-it note.

Fun Fact: Did you know that corporate puts DayQuil in the break room to stimulate creativity and collaboration?

My telomeres have split ends

If your turn-signal is really an inquiry then the answer is no.

Have yourself a merry little meltdown

Today's Spotlight Employee is @ennuidoofen.bsky.social who started as a blackjack dealer and worked her way up to managing our sportsbook where she embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from our customers. She was immediately promoted to the marketing department. Say hi.