the end goal of climate change is mosquitoes everywhere all the time

(returning the sexually repressed nasa engineer i time traveled to present day from the 1950s back home after a life-changing adventure)
nasa scientist: by golly! these newfangled techniques got me…gooning?
me: nods
50s nerd: more buckets than ever!

getting hit with the “you look like you’ve lost weight again are you doing ok” 9-17 drinks into the monster mash bash and immediately reaching for the gun i illegally conceal carry

i'm bringing serfdom back in a big way

serfdom is coming back in a big way

My perpetual stew has started talking to me.

they’re putting sour cream in things that never had sour cream before

i’ve been shunned by local nuns for my knavish lifestyle

margaret thatcher can get it

they’ve got eighth graders with binkies now. it’s over for america

they put the cloth monkey in my friend’s sixth grade classroom and every single one of them folded instantly

grandma&s on the comeback—with her new hip and monday-wednesday morning salsa classes .):/she’s hitting the senior dating scene like a runaway train!

i have $30 mil in the bank but can’t use any of it bc it’s all offshore and dirty and idk how to clean it bc my pedophile mentor died from a tragic viagra overdose before my training arc was complete

pulling a home alone style homicide prank on the well-meaning mormon teenager at my front door

every night i disembowel myself over thoughts of past inactions and then die in my bed and then every morning i wake up no worse for wear and remember that i am in hell forever repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat

(trying to not kill myself voice) i’m going to kill myself

teeth grinding sounded like laughter

i'm not even given the grace of having a normal reaction to sleep deprivation, it just jacks up the insanity meter and slaps my ass on the way out

euthanizing my chud son because i hate him

“billions must die” except when it’s me “of the plague” if my thorat gets sore i will kill m.yself

for the past week i have been abusing a yellowbook mishap to resell dominos pizzas to drunken college students at an outrageous markup

the carfucker from that one reality television program parking illegally and waiting patiently in his to-go foldable cuck chair for the tow truck

there are maybe 7 miuntes of decent filmmaking in this season of chicago fire

the venue has a fold-out table right outside the mouth of the warehouse where they are selling miller lite for $18 a can. It’s an hour of my life down the drain for every one I buy. In total, I waste 6 hours.

i'm getting a call. big money is on the line .the only thing you have to do is meet him at these coordinates:
43.06507498339642, -88.04407248965808
bring debit card

getting cancelled for spraying an annoying child with a garden hose, which is normally their favorite summertime activity

at some point, we will run out of wood and i think it's time we consider accelerating the process to drive up its value. stay on top of the trends, sharks

reddit is more important and more bountiful than the library of alexandria

we may be able to instill a sense of responsibility and economic savviness by putting the kids back on the farm in the summer months via a juvenile sharecropping program

there are maybe 4 decent ways to apologize to someone, the rest is just masturbation