I thought moving here would help me heal, but lately I can feel the darkness creeping back in. What was meant to be a new start has only magnified the longing I wanted to escape.

I’m sitting here in Chicago thinking of him. You know what: I AM ENOUGH!!! He should have loved me when he had the chance. I shouldn’t be crying as a form of begging for him.

I
AM
ENOUGH

Everyday I’ve been fighting to call the man I still love. Everyday I think I will get an answer.
I understand that this is me wanting to hear from him because I WANT TO FIND PEACE.
I can’t reach out for this reason. I need to find peace and closure first, otherwise it’ll be wrong.

I’ve lost 45 pounds, but I still see myself as the man who repulsed Damian—the man Jerry never cared to touch. Jerry made me feel disgusting. I’d beg for intimacy, and he’d brush me off with excuses. Later, he’d admit he was out having sex with men in the White Tank Mountains instead.

But some things only god can forgive.

You owed it to me to tell me we weren’t sexually compatible. You were my person. You could’ve said anything but you chose to make me believe I was loved. You know you didn’t love me enough to be the one to say you didn’t want me sexually. If u wanted to u would

I wish you farewell. -Kesha

Got bad again.
Constantly having thoughts of sending Jerry 5 floral arrangements or a letter. I know I’m nothing to him now and it breaks be everyday. Today was just a lot.

I hate sleeping in my bed. It reminds me of him based on the empty side of the bed that used to be his.

We are healing.

The more I look at the photos the more I crave to try 🧊 again.

This is my favorite photo of us.

I miss him and the only thing I can think: Does he even miss me? Does he even long for what we used to have? Are all the loving memories just out the window?

He gave me this blanket, and for a long time, I couldn’t bring myself to use it. But now, every time I do, I dream of him.
Just last night, in my silly dreams, he was giving me lube recommendations at Ulta. (I get weird dreams, I know.)

Still, the point is, it makes me feel close to him again.

I miss him deeply

Even though he didn’t show up to the garden on our anniversary; I think of him daily. On my way to work, before I go to sleep, while showering. I’m drawn to dialing his number to say hi. But I know he wouldn’t care to hear from me. It fucking sucks. The antidepressants help, but some days are better

Someone told me
“What’s supposed to happen, Will happen”

Now to get drunk and make stupid decisions.

Am I stupid for waiting on him to show up?

The last bit of hope lingering inside me is pushing my depression to get bad again.
Today is the day, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the rejection again. I stand strong with what the fact that I left him, but it doesn’t hurt any less. All I have left are memories that only bring pain.

I think of him, and I cry.
I think of the abundance of opportunities I gave him to do something about the things that bothered me and yet he never cared.

Restarted my hoe phase to distract myself so I won’t get bad again. My therapist said there is nothing wrong with how we choose to heal.👨‍🍼

Starting to feel better with the Zoloft. Doesn’t make me wanna cut any less though.

This is what I mean when I say I’m tired.

Rising above doesn’t mean the pain hurts any less.
#Rise #Depression #Chicago #Write

Lately, I’ve been reclaiming my power, the power I relinquished when I chased after him after leaving him. By prioritizing myself in a relationship where I was placed last, I found my strength. “You take your power back by letting people go.”- Emma Xu
#QueerWriter #GayWriter #GayPoem #Rise #Healing

Madea - let them go YouTube video by Trampis Church

This video helped me move past Damian and Jerry. I tolerated so much just to say “I love you,” but if they cared, they would have tried and listened. It’s time to let folks go. It also inspired me to move to Chicago in September.
#Rise #Madea #SelfWorth #LetFolksGo #Writer
youtu.be/CTPzXwNVc9g?...

He Didn’t Cheat.
Rooted from an ex who withheld from the relationship. Found peace but never forget the betrayal.
#Write #QueerWriter #AmateurWriter #PenToPaper #LetFolksGo #Peace #LetGo #Writer

I’ve had no energy for days. My phone lights up with good morning texts from a few guys I’m dating, but I can’t bring myself to reply. My therapist says it’s because Jerry and Damian betrayed me—now, trusting people feels exhausting, and the thought of letting someone new in feels even worse. #Rise