Asking a rhetorical question on Bluesky is just a dare, right?

Deep tissue massage? No, thanks. I was thinking more of a caress than an assault.

Today's Tarot Card: You're so toxic that when snakes bite you, they get sick.

who up catastrophizing

The seven stages of human evolution but it’s just me getting progressively sicker over the last few hours 😔

if we're both still single by the time we are dead, then whew

Hear me out, a drive-thru sperm bank called 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘎𝘰.

oh yay free car wash (it’s raining)

That’s gonna leave a question mark.

That's the last time I'll open the fridge door without knocking . . . it's scary in there.

me: why does pulling off a teeny tiny bit of toilet paper stuck in your pubes hurt like a motherfucker

my psychiatrist: what

got an ankle tattoo at 17 and made sure it was high enough so you could see it when I was wearing my high top converse and that was the last time I thought about my fashion sense I think

For a few moments today, it felt like a Friday. It’s going to be a looong week…

livin my life like a sitcom character in the wind

Maybe it’s annoying hearing about everyone’s smoking habits but at least nobody you know is wearing a Charlie Chaplin mustache today.

His imperfections were her perfections.

🎶 hold me closer tiny necromancer

I’d like to teleport to a Waffle House rn.

Anytime I see a woman wearing glasses I want to bang her on a stack of books

Coincidentally, that’s how I got banned from the library

The world is my oyster and I'm allergic to seafood.

😂😂

I hope nobody knows I’m
writing all of these with a straight face.

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

“True,” I say, to something I didn’t even hear.

i like that dogs and cats can find unity in something as simple as hating squirrels

I’m having a lot of feelings. Please stand back.

I love going to barbecue restaurants. I'm not a connoisseur or anything I just like to say pulled pork.

It's sandwich pickles for dinner again kids

ive known a lot of stoners and I think they smoke pot on the not 420 days too

yet nobody talking about betamaxxing