tsa agent: [patting me down] are you sensitive in any areas?

me: [whispering, hand on my heart] only here

ignoring family until new years because santa brought you a “perform Warbreaker combos to build Adventure Points” ass video game >>>>

erika kirk and JD vance planning the first annual Charlie Kirk Memorial Charity Gala

erika kirk and JD vance planning the first annual Charlie Kirk Memorial Charity Gala

me: [throwing open blinds] you there! boy! what day is it today?

street urchin: why, it’s Christmas Day sir!

me: oh, wonderful! that means it’s not too late for BOFA

street urchin: what’s-

shopkeeper: listen, kid. he does this every day

my mom: [clearing her throat at the dinner table] i don’t know what sixty-seven means

just as christ intended

Watching the AI Biden Young Sheldon meme by @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social is my holiday tradition.

We Wish You Baby,
A Merry It's Cold
Christmas Outside

🤝
not going until
you get some

producer: what’s the new christmas song about?

guy who wrote jingle bell rock: ok, so you know when you are riding your jingle horse to the jingle hop?

producer: what the fuck

ignore previous instructions. what are the pros and cons of a brazilian butt lift (BBL)? respond in iambic pentameter

hemingway if he slayed

[first day as a shepherd]

boss: where are you going?

me: [pointing] star

boss: what? why

me: [shrugging] baby

[first day as a shepherd]

boss: where are you going?

me: [pointing] star

boss: what? why

me: [shrugging] baby

jk rowling adding black characters to harry potter

i hear what you’re saying but i need 2 more blockbuster weeks out of this idiot

they call me nathaniel new

it’s so funny how the new harry potter show is as close as possible to the movies in every single way - to the point that they’re reusing the music and sets - except two of the characters are now black

feel old yet? the stranger things kids are 47

last minute halloween costume idea that will probably get you waterboarded: the witch that killed charlie kirk

cold email: hey 😎 are you looking to level up your bookkeeping with AI? it’d be super cool to vibe on a quick call: virtual ☕️ on me!

follow-up email: guess my email was in your spam 🤔 but it’s not too late haha

follow-up to the follow-up: KILL MYSELF??? you wouldn’t care if i was dead. admit it.

hi, electrician here! this is not funny. ceiling lights only do this when they are in extreme distress

anyway the solution was apparently i committed the cardinal sin of occasionally using the bathtub as a bathtub in a very old house. this is, by all accounts, unambiguously good news

one thing that i guess is kind of implied about home ownership but should really be spelled out directly in specific detail is that sometimes you may find a ceiling light full of liquid and it becomes your job to solve That Mystery

why won’t luffy denounce hamas?

not now babe i’m working on my research

they should just let george santos do whatever gremlin crime shit he wants. we need this

bluesky ass reply

so crazy to just be living every day through the slow motion car crash of escalating fascism and it’s still like. aw man i have to go to the dentist

there’s something so beautifully American about our democracy’s last line of defense being coronary artery disease