https://www.theonion.info/

Next you’re going to tell me that they’ve invented some kind of machine that can sew a garment faster than a human 🙄

And Jesus said “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle”… have you ever seen a needle? Tiny little [accordion hands] The eye. It’s so small! How would… It’s very unfair to the camel! Can we shrink it? Can… should we do it folks? [gravelly] A TINY CAMEL and it’ll be beautiful.

There aren’t a ton of upsides to getting fired but being able to delete the Jira, Notion, and Rippling apps is definitely one of them

That's not what unc means: aftermath.site/unc-aave-afric...

My curling team celebrating our wins

This past week my curling team (I play lead) won our League Championship and our club’s big end-of-the-year men’s tournament. It’s my first year curling competitively again since I was in high school so it feels pretty great (even though I know there’s no way we’ll do it again next year 😄).

The Best Books To Motivate And Inspire You

As a huge fan of @ifbookspod.bsky.social this listicle from @theonion.com could not be a more perfect distillation of the self-help book genre (the Steve Harvey one really got me): theonion.com/the-best-boo...

www.tiktok.com/t/ZP89Ev7Uv/

JFC how many saves does Jeff Hoffman have to blow before the Blue Jays finally get rid of him?

The absolute embodiment of “sad trombone”

I think every man has an amount of peanut butter he’d like to eat, and that amount is “far more than he should”

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto theonion.com/man-who-threw-molotov-co...

Found Suleiman the Magnificent's alt:

God I’d give anything to talk to *anyone* about Eddington. Zero chance anyone I know has seen it and even zeroer a chance they loved it as much as I did.

Bugs Bunny getting Daffy to hold up a DUCK SEASON sign ass empire

I’ve been the special little guy before and it rocks

Sometimes you can’t think of anything good to write, and that’s a perfectly normal thing a lot of writers struggle with. It just means you committed a great sin and displeased The Lord. It means He has punished you by cutting you off from The Source

Code-named “Canadian Girlfriend” the model reportedly attends a different high school so you wouldn’t know her.

We didn't deserve this day.

trump is kind of the bizzaro franz ferdinand in that if some serbian guys assassinated him it would set off more or less the opposite of world war one

Why is this so disconcerting?

(watching a movie where a character announces that he will destroy a city if they don't meet his specific demands by a certain deadline)

oh that's probably the good guy in this movie

Your Rails app isn't broken.
But it's not getting any younger either.

If this sounds familiar, I made something for you.

A graphic that reads: Source request: What does it look like when we let trans people thrive? When public systems support trans people? When health care is free and accessible, and spaces are affirming? What are the solutions for making trans lives better? What could trans utopia look like? I am looking for specific stories of trans people from all walks of life across Canada who’ve been given space to not only survive, but thrive. People who are interested in speaking about how certain policies, systems, or resources have made their lives easier and better as trans people. Is this you or someone you know? Pop me an email at: mel.woods@xtramagazine.com

SOURCE CALLOUT 🏳️‍⚧️ ✨ (Please share!)

I'm working on a large print feature for later this year that asks a big question:

What does it look like when we let trans people thrive?

I'm looking to talk to a few everyday trans people from across Canada about what that idea means to them.

(Thread...)

Y'all got a few hours left to get The Onion shipped to your house all year for $75. After that it resets to $10,000 per month or whatever the regular price is.

membership.theonion.com

I carved the Easter ham about 5 hours ago and my hands *still* smell like ham so yeah you could say I’m just like Jack Reacher with his ham hock hands

You can also eat ice cream as a meal and like have a nap whenever you want. 47 is pretty awesome tbh

Audio so I can do chores while I’m listening